Angry
Feeling angry means sensing that something is wrong, unfair or in your way, with a hot push to do something about it. Joyful's wheel treats it as a core feeling and splits it six ways: frustrated, irritable, resentful, envious, contemptuous and furious.
- On the wheel: One of the seven core feelings
- Feelings inside it: Frustrated, irritable, resentful, envious, contemptuous, furious
- In the body: Head, chest and arms, in a body-mapping study
- Often points to: A wrong, a block or a line someone crossed
A feeling that wants out
Heat in the face. A tight jaw. Hands that want to do something.
The words come faster and louder than you planned, and when more than 700 people in one study colored in body outlines to show where they felt each emotion, anger showed up most in the head, chest and arms.1 The feelings wheel page has the rest of those body maps.
"The landlord kept the whole deposit over a scuff on the wall. I read the email twice, then sat in my car gripping the wheel and rehearsing what I should have said."
Six words inside angry
"Angry" is the broad word. The exact word tells you what the anger is about, which is your first clue to what would help.
| Feeling | What it's about | More exact words |
|---|---|---|
| Frustrated | Something blocking what you're trying to do | Annoyed, impatient, blocked |
| Irritable | A short fuse for everything today | On edge, grumpy |
| Resentful | Unfair treatment that hasn't gone away | Bitter, wronged |
| Envious | Someone has what you want | Jealous, left behind |
| Contemptuous | Someone you no longer respect | Disgusted, scornful |
| Furious | Anger so strong it's hard to hold | Enraged, hostile |
Anger aimed mostly at yourself may sit closer to the ashamed family, where guilt and shame live.
Why the angry email looks like a good idea
Anger changes how the world looks.
Angry people judged risks as smaller and made riskier choices, while fearful people judged the same risks as larger and played it safe, in a set of studies by Jennifer Lerner and Dacher Keltner.2 Both feelings are unpleasant. They pushed judgment in opposite directions.2
That fits what anger is for. It feels certain and in control, which helps you push back against something unfair, and it also makes the reply email, the resignation and the late-night text look like better ideas than they are.
What's standing behind it
Anger tends to arrive first and loudest, with a quieter feeling behind it. Angry says "that was wrong" and looks at what someone did. Hurt says "that mattered to me" and looks at what it cost you; disappointment covers that side. Scared says "that could happen again" and looks ahead; see scared.
Asking "what else is here?" leaves the anger standing. It tells you which need is underneath, and that's usually the part worth saying out loud.
Five ways to cool it without burying it
- Find the exact word. Use the table above or the feelings wheel. "Resentful" points to an old debt. "Irritable" points to sleep or food.
- Replay it from the wall. Provoked people who thought it over as a fly on the wall felt less angry in a lab study, and they acted less aggressively than people who replayed it through their own eyes.3 Picture the scene from across the room, with you in it.
- Wait on big decisions. Since anger makes risks look smaller, sleep on the reply, the purchase or the ultimatum.2
- Turn the complaint into a request. "You never listen" becomes "Can you let me finish before you answer?" The request is the part someone can act on.
- If the anger is too hot to think, start with your body. The page on how to calm down when angry has steps for that.
What happened that felt wrong or unfair, and what did you want instead? Write the want as one request you could make.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about feeling angry
Why am I so angry all the time?
Start with sleep: poor sleep makes people angrier at small problems.4 Lasting anger can also come from a situation that hasn't changed, like an unfair job or an old hurt. When anger shows up most days alongside low mood, raise it with a doctor, since irritability and frustration are among the listed signs of depression.5
Is it okay to feel angry?
Yes. Anger is a normal feeling, and it often points to something worth fixing. What you do with it is a separate choice. You can feel furious and still decide to wait before you speak.
Related
- Frustrated: the kind aimed at whatever stands between you and the goal.
- Furious: anger so strong it's hard to contain.
- Resentment: anger about unfair treatment that stays.
- Journal prompts for anger: questions to write through it.