How to calm down when angry
Calm your body first: slow your breathing, loosen your muscles, and step away for a set time. A 2024 review of 154 studies found that activities that lower arousal, like slow breathing and meditation, reduced anger and aggression.1 Venting doesn't help. Hitting a punching bag while thinking about the person left people angrier and more aggressive than doing nothing.2
Afraid you might hurt someone? Put distance between you and them now, then call or text 988. If someone is hurting you, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 in the US, or text START to 88788.
Breathe along: in for 4, out for 6. Ten rounds take under two minutes.
Longer exhale: 10 rounds, about 1 min 40 sec.
If you feel dizzy, short of breath or more anxious, stop and breathe normally. A shorter count is fine. If you're thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US, or see crisis resources.
In the moment
- Notice the first signs. A hot face, a clenched jaw, a louder voice, fists. The NHS suggests learning to recognize when you start to feel angry, so you can act before it peaks.3
- Give yourself time before you react. Count to 10, or do the breathing above.3 Don't hit send. Don't say the thing yet.
- Step away, with a return time. "I'm too angry to talk well right now. I'm going to walk for 20 minutes, then I'll come back." Saying when you'll come back keeps it a pause, not a punishment. Then come back on time.
- Bring your body down. Breathe out slowly, drop your shoulders, unclench your hands. In the 2024 review, these calming activities worked across ages, genders and settings, from therapy rooms to apps.1
- Don't replay it. Going over what they said keeps the anger hot: in the punching bag study, the people who thought about the person while hitting the bag ended up angriest.2 Switch to something neutral for a few minutes: dishes, a walk, a song.
"He said it in front of everyone, and my face went hot. I said, 'Give me ten minutes,' went outside, and breathed out slowly until my hands stopped shaking."
Why venting backfires
The old idea, called catharsis, is that getting anger out by shouting, punching a pillow or ranting releases it like steam from a kettle. Psychologist Brad Bushman put it to a test in 2002. First, each person's essay was harshly criticized. Then one group hit a punching bag while thinking about the critic, and another hit it while thinking about getting fit. A third group didn't touch the bag.2
The group thinking about the critic felt angriest, and was the most aggressive when given a chance to blast the critic with loud noise. Doing nothing worked better than venting.2
The 2024 review, by Kjærvik and Bushman, pooled 154 studies with over 10,000 people. Activities that raise arousal, like hitting a bag, jogging or cycling, didn't reduce anger overall. Activities that lower it did.1
- Slow breathing: Lowered anger and aggression across many studies.
- Meditation and mindfulness: Also arousal-lowering, and also helped.
- Hitting a pillow or punching bag: Didn't help, and left people angrier when they thought about the person.
- A hard run to burn it off: Didn't reduce anger overall in the review.
Exercise still helps. The NHS lists regular running, swimming and yoga as ways to manage anger and stress over time.3 The finding is about the heated moment. Revving up then doesn't cool you down.
After you've cooled down
Anger is a basic emotion, and almost everyone feels it in response to other people's unwanted behavior.4 The aim is to understand one episode well enough to handle the next.
Map what happened
The anger researchers Raymond Tafrate and Howard Kassinove had 93 adults describe a recent anger episode in 2002, one part at a time: the trigger, the thoughts, how the anger felt, what the person wanted to do and did, and what happened afterward.4 Borrow their parts as your notes. Five lines is enough:
- Trigger: What happened, in plain facts?
- Thoughts: What did you tell yourself it meant? ("He did that on purpose.")
- Feeling: How strong was it, from 1 to 10, and how long did it last?
- What you did: What did you want to do, and what did you do?
- Outcome: What happened next, for you and the other person?
In that study, people high in trait anger, the ones who get angry easily and often, had episodes that were more frequent, more intense and longer. They also reported more aggression and more harm from their anger afterward.4 Put three or four of your own maps side by side. They show how often yours happen, how hot they get and how long they last.
Look at it from the outside
Replay the argument from across the room, as a stranger would see it.
People who recalled an angering moment from that distance could think about why it happened while feeling less of the anger again, in two experiments by Ethan Kross and colleagues.5 Distance took the heat out.
Talk once you're calm
The NHS suggests talking about what's making you angry with someone who isn't involved, like a friend.3 Talking to the person comes later. Start with the facts from your map, not the thoughts.
Think of the last time you got angry enough that it stayed with you. What happened? What did you tell yourself it meant, and what did you do? If it happened again tomorrow, what's one thing you'd do differently in the first minute?
Answer this with JoyWhen anger needs more help
Anger treatment works.
A meta-analysis of 96 studies found psychological treatments for anger were generally effective, across approaches including CBT and relaxation-based programs.6
The NHS says to see a doctor if you're struggling to cope with anger, or if what you're trying isn't working.3 The same goes if you're acting in an abusive or violent way.
If you're afraid you'll hurt yourself or someone else, call or text 988 now. If someone else's anger is putting you in danger, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Questions people ask
How can I calm my anger fast?
Slow your breath, with the breath out longer than the breath in. Then step away for a set time.1,3 Lowering your body's arousal is what worked across the 154 studies in the 2024 review.1
Is it better to let anger out or hold it in?
Neither extreme. Venting with aggression made anger worse in Bushman's study.2 What helped was calming down first, then dealing with the problem, for example by talking it through with someone who isn't involved, as the NHS suggests.3
What are the three R's of anger?
There's no standard version. We couldn't find where it started, or any study that tested it. Most versions follow the same shape as the steps above: notice the signs, step back, then respond once you're calm.
How do I calm down when I'm angry at someone I love?
Say the love part out loud on your way out, along with when you'll be back. For example: "I love you. I need a few minutes so I don't say something I don't mean. Back by eight." Saying it first can tell them the pause is about the anger, and leave the two of you out of it.
Can anger be a sign of something else?
Yes. Feeling irritable or on edge often is one of the signs of generalized anxiety disorder, for example.7 The GAD-7 asks about it directly, as being "easily annoyed or irritable", so the private anxiety check-in is one place to start.
Related
- Breathing exercises for anxiety: five patterns with a pacer, including the longer breath out above.
- How to calm anxiety: steps for the moment and the days after.
- Journal prompts for anger: for mapping an episode once you've cooled down.