Resentment
Resentment is anger that stays. It builds when you feel you were treated unfairly or taken for granted, and it comes back each time you replay what happened.
- On the wheel: Angry, then resentful
- More exact words: Bitter, wronged
- Nearby: Hurt, envious, contemptuous
- Often points to: A line that was crossed and never talked about
The speech you'll never give
Anger mostly flares and passes. Resentment simmers.
You notice it when the person's name comes up, when you do the chore they never do, or when you rehearse, in the shower or on the drive home, the speech you'll never give.
Bitter is the sour taste of something that happened long ago. Wronged is the certainty that what they did was unjust. And under both there's usually hurt, the part of you that wanted them to notice.
"Every Sunday I cook for twelve people, and no one has asked once if I want help. I smile through dinner and then lie awake going over it."
An unspoken need, kept warm
Resentment mostly points at something that matters to you and went unsaid: a need, a boundary or a promise.
Read it as a message about that need, boundary or promise, and leave your character out of it entirely.
What a grudge does to your heart rate
Holding it costs something. Grudge thoughts brought more unpleasant feeling, more brow tension, and higher heart rate and blood pressure than imagining empathy and forgiveness toward the same person did, when 71 people in a lab took turns at both while thinking of a real hurt.1 Some of those effects lasted after the imagery stopped.1
In that study, the cost showed up during the replay.
Not quite anger, not quite envy
Anger is about what just happened, and it often pushes for a fix. Resentment is about what keeps happening, or what was never put right. Envy is about what someone else has, and it can carry resentment inside it: people recalling envy in one study described inferiority, longing and resentment.2 If you've stopped respecting the person altogether, the closer word may be contempt.
Loosening it
- Write the one sentence underneath it. "I'm resentful because I wanted ___ and got ___." Seeing it on one line can show you the expectation that wasn't met.
- Catch the replay. Going over the hurt is what raised the body's stress response in the grudge study.1 When the speech starts in your head, name it ("replaying again") and turn to something else for ten minutes.
- Skip the punching bag. Hitting one while thinking about the person left people angrier than doing nothing at all.3
- Decide whether it's a conversation. Some resentments need a direct ask: "Could you take the dishes on Sundays?" Others need a decision you make alone, like doing less.
- Treat forgiveness as yours to choose. You can stop replaying without saying what happened was fine.
What do you wish the other person understood about how this has been for you? Write it as if they'll never read it.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about resentment
Can you resent someone you love?
Yes, and it's common with the people closest to you, because you count on them most. Resentment toward a partner or a parent can sit right next to love, and holding both at once is no contradiction.
Why does resentment come back after I thought I'd let it go?
A reminder can restart the replay: the same chore undone, the same name in a message. If the thing underneath was never said or never changed, it has nothing to settle on. What tends to loosen it is saying what you needed, to them or on paper, and choosing what to do next.
Related
- Envy: wanting what someone else has.
- Contempt: when resentment hardens into looking down on someone.
- Frustrated: anger at a block in your way.