Contempt
Contempt is the feeling of looking down on someone as beneath you, not worth respect or effort. It often shows as an eye roll, a sneer or a cold dismissal, and unlike anger it has stopped expecting the other person to change.
- On the wheel: Angry, then contemptuous
- More exact words: Disgusted, scornful
- Nearby: Resentful, envious
- Often points to: Respect that has worn out, often after anger went nowhere
Cool, superior and done expecting anything
Anger feels hot. Contempt feels cool.
You stop expecting anything from the person, and you might mock them in your head, or out loud, with a flicker of being above it all. Disgusted is the version that wants to pull away; scornful is the version that mocks openly.
"When my brother-in-law starts one of his stories at dinner, I don't even listen anymore. I look at my plate and think, here he goes again."
Beat them or ban them
Anger and contempt toward the same person showed up together in three studies by Agneta Fischer and Ira Roseman, and they pulled in different directions.1 The title of their paper sums it up: anger wants to beat the other person, contempt wants to ban them.
| Anger | Contempt | |
|---|---|---|
| Short term | Attack or confront | Reject or exclude |
| Long term | Often reconcile | Keep the person out |
| Assumes | They can change | They are the problem |
The last row is the one to read twice. Anger still expects something from the other person. Contempt has given up.
Anger that went nowhere
Contempt can grow out of earlier anger at the same person, the same research found.1 It was more likely when people felt little closeness, had little say over the other's behavior, and blamed the other's character rather than the situation.1
In ordinary life that looks like this: you raised it with them, or never did, nothing changed, and you stopped trying.
On the body maps that the feelings wheel page describes, contempt grouped with disgust and envy.2 It feels that way too: a pulling back, as if from something bad-tasting.
A check to run on yourself
- Find the anger underneath. Ask what the person did, or keeps doing, that first made you angry. Contempt can be that anger, frozen.
- Check the character story. You may be explaining everything they do with "that's just who they are."1 Try one situational explanation, even if you don't believe it yet.
- Decide what you want. Some relationships are worth repairing, and then the anger needs a real conversation. Some aren't, and then distance can be quieter than contempt.
- Watch for leaks. Eye rolls and sarcasm are hard to hide. If you live or work with the person, contempt is likely to show whether you mean it to or not.
What did this person do, or keep doing, that made you stop respecting them? What did you want from them before you gave up?
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about contempt
What is the difference between contempt and disgust?
Disgust is a pull away from something that feels foul: a food, a smell, an act. Contempt is aimed at a person and includes a sense of being above them. The two travel together so much that disgusted sits inside contemptuous on this wheel.
Is contempt the same as hate?
Not quite. Hate is intense and can want harm. Contempt is colder: it dismisses, and it wants the person kept out.1
Can a relationship recover from contempt?
Sometimes, with work from both people. The way back usually runs through the old anger, which means saying what hurt out loud and finding out whether anything can change, and a couples therapist gives you a room to do that in.
Related
- Resentment: anger that stays.
- Envy: wanting what someone else has.
- Disgusted: the pull away from something foul.