Envy
Envy is the painful feeling of wanting what someone else has, and feeling worse because they have it. The thing might be a job, a body, a relationship, or just an ease you lack.
- On the wheel: Angry, then envious
- More exact words: Jealous, left behind
- Nearby: Inadequate, resentful
- Often points to: Something you want for yourself
"Why them?"
A friend shares good news and something drops in your stomach.
Then comes the thought you'd rather not have. Some people feel it as heat, some as a sink in mood, and some as a sudden urge to find the flaw in the other person's luck, the catch in the new job, the reason the house isn't as nice as it looks.
"My college roommate posted that she bought a house. I liked the post, then spent twenty minutes looking at the listing and doing the math on how far I am from that."
Envy or jealousy?
The words get swapped all the time, but when W. Gerrod Parrott and Richard Smith asked people to recall each one, the two came out as different experiences.1
| Envy | Jealousy | |
|---|---|---|
| Number of people | Two: you and someone who has what you want | Three: you, someone you have, and a rival |
| Core fear | "I don't have it." | "I might lose it." |
| Feels like | Inferiority, longing, resentment | Fear of loss, distrust, anxiety, anger |
The feelings in the last row come from that study.1 You envy a friend's promotion. You feel jealous when your partner flirts with someone else, and jealousy has its own page in the relationships section.
Leveling up or leveling down
Dutch has separate words for two kinds of envy. Researchers in the Netherlands found the two kinds in their data, and later found the same split in the US and Spain.2
- Benign envy pulls you up. It comes with a wish to improve your own position: "I want to get there too."
- Malicious envy pulls them down. It comes with a wish to see the other person lose what they have.2
Both are normal to feel. They lead to different next moves.
Why it's often someone a bit like you
We size ourselves up by comparing with people around us, especially people a bit like us, a pull Leon Festinger described in his 1954 theory of social comparison.3
Envy is what that comparison feels like when you come out behind. It's also a fast, rough map of what you want.
Turning the map into a plan
- Get specific. Swap "her life" for "a home with a yard," "work I'm proud of," "that much free time." A specific want can be planned for.
- Ask which kind it is. If it makes you want to work toward something, it's the benign kind.2 If it makes you want them to fail, notice that and let it pass without acting on it.
- Check the comparison. You're comparing your inside to their outside: your doubts against their posted highlights.
- Mute the feed if it's a pattern. If one app or person sets it off daily, muting doesn't have to mean anything about the friendship.
What exactly do they have that you want, and what would it give you? Write the smallest step toward that thing.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about envy
Can you be envious and not jealous?
Yes. You can envy a stranger's talent with no one to lose, because envy needs only two people and jealousy needs a third.1
Is envy a sin?
In Christian tradition, envy is one of the seven deadly sins, usually meaning the kind that wishes harm on others. The passing feeling is common. What you do with it is the part you choose.
Why do I envy my friends more than strangers?
We compare most with people close to us and like us.3 A friend's success says more about what might be possible for you, so it lands harder.
Related
- Inadequate: when envy turns into "I'm not enough."
- Resentment: envy that has soured over time.
- The feelings wheel: jealous and left behind sit right next to envy.