Frustrated
Feeling frustrated means something keeps blocking what you're trying to do: a form that won't submit, a toddler who won't put shoes on, a project stuck waiting on someone else's reply. It's anger with a target, and the target is the block. Hitting a punching bag to let it out made people angrier in a well-known experiment, so venting is the one fix to skip.1
- On the wheel: Angry, then frustrated
- More exact words: Annoyed, impatient, blocked
- Nearby: Stuck, disappointed, irritable
- Often points to: A goal you care about and an obstacle in the way
Each try that doesn't work
Your jaw tightens. The sighs get louder. By the fourth attempt you want to bang the laptop shut, and the feeling has grown with every try.
Annoyed is the small version, one thing that keeps bothering you. Impatient is about time: you want it now, and now isn't happening. Blocked is the purest form, something outside your control sitting squarely in the way.
"I've been on hold with the insurance company for 40 minutes, got cut off, and now the automated voice wants my policy number again."
Why the printer gets you snapping at your partner
A group of researchers proposed in 1939 that frustration leads to aggression. Fifty years later Leonard Berkowitz went back through the evidence and refined the idea.2
A blocked goal pushes toward aggression to the degree that it feels unpleasant, he argued, and that holds even when the block isn't aimed at you.2
The printer didn't mean anything by it. The push comes anyway, and it lands on whoever walks in next.
Frustrated, angry or disappointed?
| Where the goal stands | What you do | |
|---|---|---|
| Frustrated | Still alive, with something blocking it | Keep pushing |
| Angry | Something wrong or unfair happened, often with a person to blame | Want it put right |
| Disappointed | Already decided, and worse than you hoped | Let go, or try again |
Frustration with the same person that goes on for months tends to harden into resentment.
The punching-bag experiment
Brad Bushman made people angry, then had some of them hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who'd angered them.1 They came out angrier and more aggressive than people who did nothing at all.1 Distraction left people less angry than rumination did.1
That one result changes the advice. Letting it out rehearses it.
Moving the block
- Name it in one sentence. "The form won't take my zip code." A wall of frustration becomes a problem with edges.
- Ask who can move it. Some blocks need a different route, some need another person, and some just need waiting out.
- Walk away for ten minutes. Distraction beat rumination in the punching-bag study.1 Do something with your hands that has nothing to do with the task.
- Check how you slept. One night without sleep left people angrier at small problems in a lab, and the irritable page covers that study.3
What are you trying to do, and what keeps getting in the way? List each block, then mark the ones you can move.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about feeling frustrated
Is frustration the same as anger?
It's a kind of anger aimed at a block. When it builds, especially if the block feels unfair, it can spread into wider anger.2
Why do I get frustrated so easily?
Tiredness is one known reason.3 Another is low mood: the NIMH lists irritability, frustration and restlessness among the signs of depression, so frustration that's new and constant is worth noticing.4
How do I stop frustration from turning into yelling?
Catch it at the jaw. A tight jaw or a louder sigh comes before the peak, and that's the moment to leave the room and come back once your body has settled.
Related
- Irritable: a short fuse for everything.
- Disappointment: when the result is already in.
- Resentment: frustration with a person that has lasted.