Hostile
Feeling hostile means being ready to fight or to push someone away: guarded, cold and braced for an attack. It can come with a sense that other people mean you harm, and it can fill unclear moments with bad intent. Seeing hostile intent in others went with acting aggressively across 41 studies of children, and the link was stronger for serious aggression.1
- On the wheel: Angry, then furious, then hostile
- Nearby: Enraged, furious, contemptuous
- Often looks like: Short answers, crossed arms, a sharp tone
- Often points to: A sense of threat, and a guard that's gone up
A stance more than a burst
Your answers get short. A simple question sounds like a challenge, and a sigh from across the room sounds like a verdict.
Fury flares and fades. Hostility can stay switched on for days, aimed at one person or at everyone you meet.
"My sister asked if I'd thought about selling the house. I heard 'you can't handle it,' snapped at her, and didn't answer her texts for two days. Later she said she was just asking."
"They did it on purpose"
Plenty of moments are blank. A friend doesn't reply. Someone bumps you in line. A partner sighs. Hostility tends to fill the blank with bad intent, and researchers call that hostile attribution of intent.
Bram Orobio de Castro and colleagues pooled 41 studies with 6,017 children and found a clear, consistent link between reading hostile intent into others and acting aggressively, and the link was bigger for more serious aggression.1
Most of that research is in children and teens. As an adult you can still run the test on yourself: how often does "they did it on purpose" turn out to be true?
The heart keeps score
Hostility is hard on more than relationships. Yoichi Chida and Andrew Steptoe pooled 25 long-term studies of people who started out healthy, and anger and hostility went with about 19 percent more heart disease events.2
In people who already had heart disease, they went with a worse outlook, even after accounting for how sick people were at the start.2 These are links, which can't prove that hostility causes heart disease, though they turned up across many studies.
Hostile, angry or contemptuous?
| What it is | How long | |
|---|---|---|
| Angry | A reaction to something that just happened | Has a cause, and usually an end |
| Hostile | A guard that stays up for the next attack, coming or not | Days, or longer |
| Contemptuous | Looking down on someone as not worth respect | Settles in |
Sometimes the hostility is right. If someone has hurt you more than once, staying guarded around them is self-protection.
Lowering the guard where it isn't needed
- Write three explanations. For the unclear moment, list three reasons it might have happened, with only one of them "on purpose". Then ask which one you have evidence for.1
- Ask before you answer. "What did you mean by that?" takes five seconds, and the answer is often duller than the one in your head.
- Name what you're guarding. Your pride, your time, a sore spot. Once you know, you can protect it on purpose instead of by reflex.
- Keep distance from real threats. With someone who has shown they'll hurt you, distance guards you better than staying ready to fight.
- If you feel close to hurting someone, leave and call someone you trust or a crisis line. The furious page has steps for the hot moment.
Who are you guarding against, and why? Write the last moment that set it off, then three reasons it might have happened.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about feeling hostile
What is hostile behavior?
Short or cutting replies, sarcasm, cold silence, blame, picking fights. It can be quiet. Sometimes it's someone who never gives anyone the benefit of the doubt.
Why do I feel hostile toward everyone?
Hostility toward everyone can point to a body or a life under strain: too little sleep, stress that never lets up, or a past where people did turn against you. If it lasts and it's costing you relationships, talk it through with a therapist.
Can you be hostile without being angry?
Yes. The guard can stay up long after the anger that raised it has cooled, which is part of what can make hostility harder to spot in yourself than a flash of temper.
Related
- Furious: anger at full volume.
- Resentment: anger about unfair treatment that stays.
- Contempt: when anger turns into looking down.