Relationships
Each guide here takes one idea people look up when a relationship stops making sense, checks how well the evidence backs it, and ends with one thing to write down tonight. A few hold up well. Others are better known than they are proven, and the guide says so.
Fear is different. If you're afraid of someone you're close to, start with support. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline answers 24 hours a day at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.1
Start here
Pick the one closest to what's happening:
- If you keep doubting your own memory after talking to someone, read gaslighting. Signs, what to write down, who to call.
- If a feeling about a rival, real or imagined, has taken over your evening, read jealousy. It ends with a thought record you can fill in.
- If you both care and still keep missing each other, read love languages. It's useful. It's also oversold.
- If you keep wondering why you pull close or pull away, read attachment styles, which researchers measure on two sliding scales.
- If something in your relationship feels off and you can't name it, read red flags in a relationship.
- If it ended, or never had a name, read how to get over a breakup or situationship.
In this section
- Anxious attachmentWhat anxious attachment is, the signs people notice in themselves, what studies found about reassurance and pushing worries away, and steps to try tonight.
- Attachment stylesWhat attachment styles are, where the idea came from, why researchers measure anxiety and avoidance instead of four types, and what can change over time.
- Avoidant attachmentWhat avoidant attachment is, the two kinds researchers separate, what lab studies found about pushing feelings away, and steps for you or your partner.
- Disorganized attachmentWhere disorganized attachment comes from, what it can look like in adults, its links to fear and trauma, and why researchers say it is not a diagnosis.
- GaslightingWhat gaslighting is and isn't, the signs in what the other person does and what you notice in yourself, how to keep a safe record, and who to call.
- How to get over a breakupHow to get over a breakup, from studies that tracked people afterward: what the first weeks feel like, what helped, what got in the way, and steps to try.
- JealousyWhat jealousy is, how it differs from envy, the three kinds researchers describe, when it turns into control, and how to check a jealous thought on paper.
- The 5 love languagesThe five love languages with everyday examples, what three studies and a 2024 review found, and a better way to use the idea: ask, and cover all five.
- Questions to ask your boyfriend40 questions to ask your boyfriend in the first months: light openers, his family and friends, what he cares about, going deeper in turns, and what you are.
- Questions to ask your girlfriend40 questions to ask your girlfriend that go past small talk: her past, her week, what care looks like to her, her values, and how you two are doing.
- Questions to ask your partner38 questions to ask your partner once you know each other well: a weekly check-in, good news, money and home, repair after a fight, and the years ahead.
- Red flags in a relationshipThe relationship red flags that point to control or abuse, how they differ from ordinary differences, what you might notice in yourself, and who to call.
- Secure attachmentWhat secure attachment means in adult relationships, what it isn't, the safe haven and secure base studies, and what research says about becoming more secure.
- SituationshipWhat a situationship is, the four questions it leaves open, what the first studies found, and how to ask for clarity without waiting for the perfect moment.
- Trust issuesWhat trust issues are and aren't, the three parts of trust researchers measure, what attachment research adds, and steps to try before you check a phone.
Stronger ties, better survival odds
A review of 148 studies with 308,849 people found that those with stronger social relationships had a 50% higher chance of surviving over the study periods.2
The authors judged that link comparable in size to well-established risks for early death.
It's a reason to take the hard conversations seriously, and a reason a relationship that keeps hurting you deserves more than another night of replaying it in your head.
Think of one conversation this week that stayed with you. Write what was said, as close to word for word as you can, and how you felt right after.
Answer this with Joy