Questions to ask your girlfriend
You talk every day, and somehow it's all plans and memes. These 40 questions to ask your girlfriend are for going a level deeper than that. People often hold back from deep questions because they expect them to feel awkward, and yet deep conversations between strangers felt less awkward and more connecting than the people having them had predicted.1
How to use these. Choose a question you'd want to answer yourself. Ask it, then listen without fixing anything. Share your own answer after hers. If she'd rather not go there tonight, take the no as an answer.
None of these assume what women want to talk about, so use them with any girlfriend, new or long-term, and skip whichever ones don't fit her. Trick questions and "loyalty tests" aren't here, on purpose. All they measure is how well someone dodges.
A warm-up with a story in it
Light. But each one asks for a story, and a story is where you learn something about a person that a fact can't tell you.
Tell me about the last time you laughed so hard you couldn't stop.
Answer this with JoyBefore I knew you
She had a whole life before you showed up. Ask about it.
What were you like at fifteen, and what would that girl think of you now?
Answer this with JoyTell me about a time you moved, started over, or walked into a room where you knew no one.
Answer this with JoyWhat's a decision from your early twenties that shaped where you are now?
Answer this with JoyWhat did you want to be when you grew up, and what happened to that plan?
Answer this with JoyFinish this: "Something I was sure about at eighteen that turned out wrong is..."
Answer this with JoyWhat's on her plate right now
Her calendar says what she's doing. These ask how it feels.
Which part of your day do you wish were longer, and which do you wish were over faster?
Answer this with JoyWhat's something you're carrying that I could take off your plate?
Answer this with JoyWhen you're stressed, what do you want from me: advice, a hug, or space?
Answer this with JoyWhy deep questions feel riskier than they are
Michael Kardas, Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley ran a series of experiments on deep and shallow conversations.1 People expected deep talks with strangers to be more awkward than they were, and felt more connected after deep talks than after shallow ones.1 The gap came from expecting others to care less about what they shared than those others did.1
One honest limit: most of these conversations were between strangers, and when people talked with close friends, family or partners, their predictions were more accurate.1 With a girlfriend, the surprise may be smaller.
The habit of holding back can still be there, months or years in, and a good question is one way past it.
What makes an answer feel heard
Jean-Philippe Laurenceau, Lisa Feldman Barrett and Paula Pietromonaco ran two diary studies in which people rated their conversations right after they happened.2 Sharing feelings predicted intimacy more than sharing facts, and feeling that the other person was responsive was part of how that sharing turned into closeness.2
The question is half the work, and the reply is the other half. Here is one answer, met three ways, in examples written for this page.
- Fixing it: You should just ask for a meeting and sort it out.
- Changing the subject: Mine's the same. Anyway, what do you want for dinner?
- Asking more: What happened that made you feel that way?
The third reply asks what she feels before deciding what to do about it. It can lead somewhere like this:
"What happened? ... So he gave your idea to Sam in front of everyone. No wonder that stung. Do you want ideas, or do you just want to vent tonight?"
That example was made up too. Advice can come later. Ask first.
What feeling cared for looks like
People feel loved through different gestures. Guessing is slow; asking is quicker. The love languages page covers what that idea gets right and what the research questions.
What's something small I did that meant more to you than I realized?
Answer this with JoyWhat's something someone did for you when you were sick that you still remember?
Answer this with JoyWhat's a gesture that other people find romantic that does nothing for you?
Answer this with JoyThe people she loves
Her friends and family were there first, and they'll be around for the long haul too, so it pays to know who each of them is to her.
Tell me about someone in your family you'd like me to get to know better.
Answer this with JoyWhat she stands for
Values come out slowly. Months, sometimes. These ask about them without turning dinner into a debate.
How we're doing
For couples already together. Pick a calm week. Never right after a fight.
What's a conversation you've been putting off with me, and what would make it easier to start?
Answer this with JoyIf a question about who she sees or where she's been keeps coming up, read trust issues or red flags in a relationship before asking it again.
Questions people ask
What are 21 questions to ask a girlfriend?
Take turns, so it stays a game. One set of 21 starts with five from the warm-up, five from "before I knew you" and five from "what she stands for". If you're already together, finish with the six in "how we're doing".
What romantic questions can I ask my girlfriend?
Romantic questions are about the two of you. Try "What's one memory of us you'd keep if you could only keep one?" or "When do you feel most at home with me?". The group "What feeling cared for looks like" has five more.
What are 20 juicy questions to ask a girl?
"Juicy" usually means personal or a little risky. The ones here that come closest: what she was like at fifteen, a friendship she lost, a line she won't cross. Personal questions land better when you answer them too, and when she can skip any of them.
What should I do if her answer upsets me?
Ask one more question before you react, such as "What do you mean by that?". If it's about you, you can say "I need a minute with that" and come back to it. The point of the question was to learn something true, and sometimes the truth stings.
More questions and guides
- Questions to ask your partner, with a weekly check-in and questions for after a fight.
- Questions to ask your boyfriend, built around the follow-up question.
- Love languages, and where the idea falls short.