Red flags in a relationship
A red flag in a relationship is a behavior that points to control or abuse: cutting you off from people, controlling your money, putting you down, sexual pressure or threats. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says even one or two of these can be a sign that abuse may be present.1 Online, the word also gets used for differences in taste, and that loose use makes the serious ones easier to wave away.
If you're afraid of your partner, you can talk to someone before you decide anything. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24 hours: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.1 If you're in immediate danger, call 911.1 If someone checks your phone or browser, read this on a device they can't reach. The Hotline warns that browsing can be monitored, and suggests clearing your history after a visit.2
A red flag or a difference?
Most lists online mix two kinds of thing. One is incompatibility: you want kids and they don't, or one of you texts all day and the other hates texting, which can end a relationship without anyone being harmed.
The other kind is about power, with one person shrinking the other's world, money, friendships or choices.
- A difference: I'd rather stay in tonight. You go, and tell me how it was.
- A red flag: If you go out with them again, don't bother coming home.
Watch what happens when you say no.
In an ordinary disagreement, your no is allowed. When there's control, saying no costs you something. A punishment. A silence. A threat.
Five groups of warning signs, and how they sound
These groups follow the Hotline's list of warning signs.1 Each example was written for this page; none is a real person's words.
Cutting you off from people
Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or the time you spend with them, and preventing or discouraging you from seeing friends, family or peers.1
"Your sister doesn't like me, so I don't see why you need to visit her every week."
Putting you down
Telling you that you never do anything right, and insulting, demeaning or shaming you, especially in front of other people.1
"Don't let her order. She always gets it wrong."
Controlling money and decisions
Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about work or school, and controlling household money without discussion, such as taking your money.1
"You don't need that job. I'll give you money when you need it."
Pressure about sex, drugs or alcohol
Pressuring you into sexual acts you're not comfortable with, or pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.1
"If you loved me, you wouldn't keep saying no."
Threats and intimidation
Threatening looks or actions, destroying your belongings or your home, intimidating you with weapons, and insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.1
"Keep pushing me and see what happens to the dog."
The researcher Evan Stark argues that abuse is often best understood as a pattern of control over a person's daily life, beyond any separate violent acts.3 One group on this list can matter even when nobody has hit anyone.
Keeping the mood steady
Look at your own habits. The pattern can show there first:
- You plan what you'll say before you say it, to keep the mood steady.
- You've stopped seeing certain friends because it's easier than the fight afterward.
- You check your phone before they can, or delete messages that were harmless.
- You tell yourself it isn't that bad, because they haven't hit you.
- You feel relief when they're out of the house, and then guilt about the relief.
None of these prove anything alone. Write them down anyway, with the dates, because a pattern that's hard to see in the moment can be plain on paper a few weeks later. The gaslighting page has a five-step way to keep that record.
How common it is, and how young it starts
In the CDC's 2023 to 2024 survey, more than 1 in 3 US women reported partner violence in their lifetime, nearly 43.5 million people, and for men it was more than 1 in 6, or 20.7 million.4 That counts physical violence, stalking and sexual violence involving contact.4
It reaches past the physical, too. The CDC counts psychological aggression as a form of intimate partner violence: words and actions meant to harm a partner mentally or emotionally, or to control them.4
About 16 million women and 11 million men first experienced intimate partner violence before age 18, the CDC found in its 2016/2017 survey.4 Young people have their own line, listed in the steps below.
Jealousy and possessiveness raise the risk. The CDC lists jealousy, possessiveness and tension among the relationship factors linked to intimate partner violence, along with one partner dominating and controlling the other.5 The jealousy page covers where ordinary jealousy ends and control begins.
Why the Hotline advises against couples counseling
The Hotline doesn't encourage counseling with an abusive partner. Its reason is blunt: "Abuse is not a relationship problem."6 It says counseling can't fix the unequal power in an abusive relationship, and what you say in a session can be used against you at home.6
Safe next steps
- Write down what happens. Date, time, what was said and what was done, as plainly as you can. Store it somewhere your partner can't open. If they can get into your phone, a journaling app on that phone, including Joyful, isn't a safe place for this.
- Check your devices. The Hotline warns that internet use can be monitored and is impossible to erase completely.2 If you think you're being watched, it suggests calling.2 A library or work computer may be safer for reading.
- Tell one person outside the relationship. Choose someone your partner doesn't control or talk to often. They don't need to fix anything, only to know.
- Make a safety plan with an advocate. The Hotline's advocates help you build one by phone or chat, suited to your situation.2
- Use the line that fits you. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 for the Hotline.1 Young people can reach Love Is Respect at 1-866-331-9474 or by texting LOVEIS to 22522.7
An advocate first, a therapist alone
If you recognized your relationship in the red flags above, talk to an advocate before you talk to your partner about it. If you're seeing a therapist, see one alone, not as a couple, and look for someone who knows about domestic abuse.
If it's the other kind of red flag, an ordinary mismatch about kids, money or how much time you spend together, a couples therapist can help you talk about it.
Joyful is an AI journaling companion, not therapy or a crisis service.
Think of the last time you said no to your partner about something small. Write what you asked for, what they said or did next, and how you felt afterward.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask
What are the top 5 red flags in a relationship?
There's no official top five. Five from the Hotline's list: cutting you off from friends and family, controlling your money, put-downs in front of others, sexual pressure, and threats to you, your children or pets.1
What are the biggest red flags in a guy?
The same as in anyone, since the warning signs are behaviors: isolation, control, insults, sexual pressure and threats.1 Women report partner violence more often, but the CDC's survey found over 1 in 6 men have experienced it too.4
What are the top red flags in a woman?
The same list applies. Control over money, friends and decisions, put-downs, pressure and threats are red flags whoever is doing them.1 Men who are being abused can call the same Hotline.
Is jealousy a red flag?
A flash of jealousy is a common feeling. It becomes a red flag when it turns into extreme jealousy of your friends or the time you spend away, or into checking, tracking and restricting who you see.1
Can someone change their red flags?
You can't make someone change, and the change you're hoping for may not come. If you're weighing that hope, a Hotline advocate can talk it through with you for free at 1-800-799-7233.1