Gaslighting

Joel Dean, Founder of Joyful
Last updated October 29, 2026

If you're afraid of this person, or they can see your phone or control your money, you can talk to an advocate first. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24 hours: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.²

A 1938 play, and a word of the year

The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, in which a husband dims the gas lights at home and then insists his wife is imagining it.¹

Eighty-four years later, Merriam-Webster named "gaslighting" its 2022 word of the year, after lookups rose 1,740% over 2021.³

Five moves the Hotline names

The National Domestic Violence Hotline describes five common tactics.¹ Every example below was written for this page; none is a quote from a real person.

Withholding

Refusing to listen or pretending not to understand, so a conversation can't get started.

Countering

Questioning your memory of events you remember clearly.

Blocking or diverting

Changing the subject, or turning it into a question about how you think.

Trivializing

Making your needs or feelings seem unimportant or silly.

Forgetting or denial

Claiming not to remember what happened or what was promised.

Any one of these can turn up in an ordinary fight.

What marks gaslighting is the repetition: the same moves, again and again, always ending with you as the unreliable one.

When you start checking your own memory

The clearest signs are often inside you, more than in anything the other person says. The psychoanalyst Robin Stern, who wrote a 2007 book on gaslighting, lists signs like these,⁴ and the Hotline repeats them.¹

• You second-guess yourself all the time.
• You apologize often, sometimes without knowing what for.
• You make excuses for the other person to friends and family.
• Simple decisions have started to feel hard.
• You keep asking yourself if you're "good enough" for them.
• You feel less joy than you used to, and you can't say why.

Some people find themselves rehearsing a conversation before it happens, or scrolling back through old messages to prove to themselves that something was said, and that checking can be a sign your trust in your own memory is wearing thin.

Why it works: leverage

Research on gaslighting is young. Most of what's written about it, including the tactic list above, comes from clinicians and advocates rather than from large studies.

The sociologist Paige Sweet adds the point most lists miss: gaslighting works through power. In the domestic violence cases she studied, abusers used stereotypes, such as the idea that women are "irrational".⁵ They also used inequalities tied to race, nationality or sexuality to make their version of reality stick.⁵

That's the line between this and a disagreement. One person has the leverage to make the other look unreliable, and uses it. The Hotline treats gaslighting as a form of emotional abuse.¹

The word describes a behavior. It's not a diagnosis for either person. Calling someone a "gaslighter" may feel good for a moment, and a written note of what they did is worth more, to you and to anyone you later ask for help.

Stepping out of the argument about the past

1. Write down what happened, the same day. The Hotline suggests a journal of what you experience, with dates, times and what was said.⁶ The steps are below.
2. Store your record where they can't look. The Hotline suggests a separate email account used only for this, a password-protected online journal, or copies kept by a trusted friend.⁶ If the other person can open your phone or read your accounts, a journaling app on that phone, including Joyful, isn't a safe place for this record.
3. Check your memory with one outside person. Tell a friend what happened soon after, in your own words. They don't need to take sides. They only need to hear your version before anyone else's.
4. Stop trying to win. You can say "I remember it differently" once and end the conversation. Your record holds your memory, so you don't have to defend it out loud.
5. Talk to an advocate. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential and open 24 hours a day: call 1-800-799-7233, text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org.² If you're in immediate danger, call 911.²

How to keep a record

A record turns "I think it happened" into "here is what I wrote that night". It can also serve as proof later, for legal reasons or otherwise.⁶

Keep screenshots of texts with the date showing, and save voicemails, as the Hotline suggests.⁶

Someone outside the relationship

If you see yourself in much of this page, talk to someone outside the relationship: an advocate at the Hotline, a therapist or your doctor. A therapist who knows about emotional abuse and manipulation is the one to look for.

Joyful is an AI journaling companion, not therapy or a crisis service.

Questions people ask

What is gaslighting in simple words?

Someone keeps telling you that what you saw, heard or felt isn't real, until you start to believe them over yourself.¹

What are some examples of gaslighting?

"That never happened." "You're too sensitive." "You're making things up." "I never said that." Once, any of these can be an ordinary disagreement. Week after week, with you always ending up as the one who's wrong, they're the pattern.¹

How do you know if you're being gaslit?

Look at yourself as much as at them, and give it time. A written record kept over a few weeks can show whether there's a pattern, which no single conversation will.

Can gaslighting be unintentional?

Sometimes, according to Psychology Today, though it still does harm.⁷ Some people learned the habit in childhood, often from a parent.⁷ Whichever it is, fixing it isn't your job.

How do you outsmart a gaslighter?

You don't have to. Out-arguing someone about the past keeps you in a conversation they control. Keep your own record, check it with someone you trust, and talk to an advocate about your options.⁶