How to get over a breakup

Joel Dean, Founder of Joyful
Last updated October 30, 2026

If a breakup has left you thinking about hurting yourself or not wanting to be alive, call or text 988 in the US now. If the relationship involved fear, threats or control, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is open 24 hours at 1-800-799-7233 or by texting START to 88788.²

Four weeks of logged feelings

In 2005, David Sbarra and Robert Emery had 58 young adults log their feelings repeatedly over the 28 days after a breakup.¹ Their feelings swung more than those of people whose relationships were intact, most of all in the first days.¹

Each feeling took its own shape. The examples below were written for this page.

Love that fades slowly

Love for the former partner went down in a fairly straight line over the four weeks.¹ A little at a time.

Sadness that comes in waves

Sadness rose and dropped over the weeks instead of falling in a line.¹ A bad day after a few good ones is part of it.

Anger and relief, too

Anger and relief also came and went in curves.¹ Feeling relieved and heartbroken in the same week fits the pattern, and it says nothing about how much you cared.

A pain you can feel in your body

When people who'd recently had an unwanted breakup looked at a photo of their ex, brain regions linked to the sensory side of physical pain became active.³ The authors say this gives new meaning to the idea that rejection hurts.³

Reaching for your phone to tell them

You might reach for your phone to tell them something, then remember. You might check whether they've posted. You replay the last conversation and rewrite your lines.

Weekends can be worse. That's when the plans were.

"We" still comes out without thinking. As people rebuilt a clearer sense of who they were after a breakup, they used fewer "we" words when they talked about the separation, one study found.⁴ When you write about it, notice your own "we" and "I".

Profile checks, distraction and the flaws list

Five things have been tested after breakups. Each is a real finding. Each also comes from one study, mostly with young adults, over weeks rather than years.

Checking their profile

Watching an ex's Facebook page went with more distress, more longing, and less sense of having grown from the breakup, among 464 people.⁵ That held even after taking offline contact into account.⁵

Distraction, or thinking about their flaws

Sandra Langeslag and Michelle Sanchez tested three ways of handling love for an ex.⁶ Thinking about the ex's negative traits lowered love feelings but made people feel more unpleasant, while distraction left love feelings where they were and made people feel more pleasant.⁶

One loosens the attachment. The other gets you through the evening.

Rebuilding who you are

Among 210 young adults, the ones who reflected on their breakup in more detail, over four visits in nine weeks, regained a clearer sense of themselves.⁴ That clarity went with less loneliness and fewer unwanted thoughts and feelings about the breakup.⁴ The "Who I am now" prompts in step 5 below are built on this study.

Writing about the upsides

People who wrote about the positive sides of a recent breakup, in a writing study by Gary Lewandowski, had more positive feelings without more negative ones.⁷ Save this one for when the rawest part has passed.

Rules with no study behind them

The "72 hour rule" and "the 5 stages of a breakup" are internet ideas, and when we looked for a study that tests either one, we found none.

Both promise a schedule. The diary study above tracked feelings over time instead, and four weeks in, people's feelings were still on the move.¹

Plan for the worst hour

1. Mute or unfollow, at least for now. Checking their profile went with more longing and less growth.⁵ It doesn't have to be permanent. Make it the default for a month.
2. Fill the hardest hour. Pick the time that's worst, often a Sunday evening or the drive home, and put something there: a call, a walk, a show you've saved. Distraction lifted mood in the study above.⁶
3. When you're ready, write what didn't work. Thinking about the ex's negative traits lowered love feelings in that same study.⁶ A short, honest list is one way to do it, and it will sting while you write.
4. Keep contact to what's needed. Ongoing contact slowed the fading of love and sadness.¹ If you share children, a lease or a job, keep messages to the practical.
5. Write about who you are now. The journal prompts for breakups have a "Who I am now" group built on the self-clarity study.⁴ Start with one prompt and five minutes.

When weeks go by and nothing lifts

If weeks go by and you still can't sleep, eat or get through work, or the low mood won't lift at all, talk to your doctor or a therapist. The depression check-in puts what you're feeling into words before that conversation.

If thoughts of not wanting to be alive come up, call or text 988 in the US, any time.

Joyful is an AI journaling companion, not therapy or a crisis service.

Questions people ask

How do I get over a breakup if I still love them?

You may not need to stop loving them first. In the diary study, love wore down gradually over weeks instead of switching off.¹ The two habits linked with an easier path were limiting contact and not checking their profile.^1,5

What is the 72 hour rule after a breakup?

A rule that circulates online, in more than one version, and we found no research testing any of them. What the diary study did find is that feelings were most volatile right after the breakup and still shifting four weeks later.¹

What are the 5 stages of a breakup?

The idea borrows from the five stages of grief, and research doesn't support fixed steps even there, as the stages of grief page explains. In the diary study, love, sadness, anger and relief each followed a path of its own.¹

How do I accept that the relationship is over?

Write the story of what happened, in order, as plainly as you can. Then write what you miss and what you don't. Detailed reflection helped people rebuild a clearer sense of themselves in the 210-person study.⁴

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

No one has a reliable number. Love was still fading at the end of the 28 days, and how much the breakup affected someone shaped how fast their feelings changed.¹