Forgiveness journal prompts
Forgiveness journal prompts help you work out whether, and how, to let go of a grudge against someone else or yourself. Forgiving here means loosening the hold the hurt has on you. It doesn't mean excusing what happened, forgetting it, or letting the person back into your life.
How to use these. Pick one hurt, not your whole history with someone. Go slowly; this can take weeks. If the hurt involved abuse or you're not safe now, start with the note below.
Name the hurt
You can't let go of something you've only half described. Facts first, in plain words.
What did it cost me: trust, money, time, a friendship, sleep, something else?
Answer this with JoyWhen the memory comes back now, what's the first feeling, and how strong is it from 0 to 10?
Answer this with JoyWhat it would and wouldn't mean
A lot of people stall here, because they think forgiving means pretending it was fine. You get to decide what it means.
If I forgave this person, what would change in how I feel, and what would stay exactly the same?
Answer this with JoyWhat would I need to protect myself from this happening again, whether or not I forgive?
Answer this with JoyA wider view, if you want one
Optional. Skip this group if it feels like letting the person off the hook.
Have I ever hurt someone in a way that rhymes with this, and what did I want from them afterward?
Answer this with JoyHas anything I value come out of getting through this, such as a boundary, a friend who showed up, or a lesson?
Answer this with JoyForgiving yourself
Self-forgiveness comes after you've owned your part. Skip that step and it can feel hollow.
What would I say to a friend who'd done the same thing and was truly sorry?
Answer this with JoyNot ready yet
That's allowed. Forgiveness has no deadline, and taking a year, or never getting there, says nothing bad about your character.
What would I need to see, feel or hear before I'd even consider forgiving?
Answer this with JoyWhat can I do this week to carry the hurt more lightly, without forgiving yet?
Answer this with JoyWhat would I like my life to look like a year from now, whether or not I've forgiven?
Answer this with JoyForgiveness can be learned, slowly
People in structured forgiveness programs led by professionals forgave more than people who got no program, and they also showed greater drops in depression and anxiety and more hope, across 54 research reports pooled in a meta-analysis.1 Longer programs did better than short ones.1
Expect it to take time, then.
Writing helped too. Twenty minutes spent writing about personal benefits that came from a hurt someone had caused made people more forgiving than writing about the painful details or about an unrelated topic, in a trial with 304 people.2 The optional "has anything I value come out of this" prompt borrows that idea. You never have to find a silver lining.
Example entry: "What happened: my sister told the family about my divorce before I was ready, at Mum's birthday in June. Cost: I stopped telling her things. Feeling now: hurt more than anger, about a 6. Forgiving would not mean: telling her everything again or pretending it was fine. Protection: for now, I'll only tell her what I'm happy for everyone to know."
- Excusing: What happened can still be wrong.
- Forgetting: You can remember and still let go of the grudge.
- Reconciling: You can forgive someone you never see again.
- Trusting: Trust comes back only through changed behavior, if at all.
When the hurt is abuse
If someone abused you, you don't owe them forgiveness, and no prompt here should push you toward contact with them. Safety comes first.
If you're in danger or being hurt now, the crisis resources page lists people to call or text. In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and open 24 hours: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.3
A hurt that keeps replaying, or that came from a trauma, is often better worked through with a trauma-informed therapist than alone on a page.
Questions people ask about forgiveness journaling
How long does forgiveness take?
It varies, and nobody else gets to set the clock. The professional programs that worked best were the longer ones.1 On paper, come back to the same hurt every few days and rerate the feeling from 0 to 10; the number tells you more than the calendar does.
What's the difference between forgiving and reconciling?
Forgiving happens inside you: the grudge loosens. Reconciling happens between two people and needs trust to be rebuilt. You can do the first without the second.
How do I forgive myself?
Name exactly what you did and who it affected, make what amends you can, then talk to yourself as you would to a friend who was truly sorry. Owning it comes first.
Related
In the journaling section: journal prompts for anger, journal prompts for breakups and journal prompts for boundaries. In feelings: resentment and guilt.