Boundaries journal prompts
Boundaries journal prompts help you find where you need a limit, decide what it is and work out how to say it. A boundary is a decision about what you will do, not a rule for someone else. Write it first, and the conversation comes out shorter and calmer.
How to use these. One boundary at a time, with one person or one situation. Start small, with someone safe. Write the exact words before you say them.
Where it's missing
Resentment is a good first clue. It collects where you keep saying yes and wishing you hadn't.
Who or what have I felt resentful about this month, and what keeps happening right before?
Answer this with JoyWhen do I feel drained after time with someone, and what happened during it?
Answer this with JoyWhat you want instead
"Respect me more" is a wish. "I don't take work calls after 7" is a boundary, because you can keep it without anyone's help.
In this situation, what would I like to be true instead, in one plain sentence?
Answer this with JoyWhat will I do if the line is crossed? (Something I control: leave, hang up, say no next time.)
Answer this with JoyIs this a limit I'll keep, or one I'd drop the first time someone looked upset?
Answer this with JoyThe prediction
They'll be angry. They'll stop inviting me. I'll seem selfish. Most of the dread lives in the prediction, so write it down where you can check it later.
If I say no, what exactly do I think will happen, and how bad would it be from 0 to 10?
Answer this with JoyWhen someone has said no to me kindly, how did I feel about them a week later?
Answer this with JoyThe words
Short is kinder than long. A reason is optional. An apology is too.
Limits with yourself
Your time, your phone, your evenings. Nobody else has to agree to these limits, which makes them the easiest ones to set and, on a tired Thursday night with the phone already in your hand, the easiest ones to drop.
What time does my workday end, and what will I do at that time to mark it?
Answer this with JoyWhich app or habit takes time I'd like back, and what's one limit I'll try for a week?
Answer this with JoyWhat would I protect on my calendar if I took my own needs as seriously as a meeting?
Answer this with JoyThey may mind less than you think
Saying no feels risky because you picture the other person's face in sharp detail. In studies of declined invitations, the people who said no overestimated how upset and hurt the other person would be, and how unlikely to invite them again.1
Part of the reason is a mismatch in what each side pays attention to: the person declining expects the other to fixate on the no itself, while the person who invited gives more weight to the thought behind it.1
The mistake runs the other way too. People underestimated by as much as half how often others would say yes to a direct request for help.2 Both halves of a boundary conversation, saying no and asking for what you need, went better in these studies than people expected.1,2 The prediction prompts and the "afterward" prompt let you run the same test on your own life.
Example entry: "Resentment: Mom calls every night at 9 and it runs an hour. Want instead: talk three nights a week. If crossed: I'll say I need to go and hang up kindly. Prediction: she'll be hurt, 7 out of 10. Words: 'I love our calls. I'm going to call you Monday, Wednesday and Saturday.' Afterward: she said 'okay, Saturday's good'. Maybe a 3."
- An invitation: "Thanks for asking. I can't make it this time."
- After hours: "I'll answer that first thing tomorrow."
- A favor: "I can't take that on right now."
- A repeated topic: "I'd rather not talk about that. Can we change the subject?"
If a limit would put you in danger
These prompts assume the other person may grumble but won't punish you. If someone threatens you, controls your money or phone, or frightens you when you set a limit, you're dealing with a safety problem, and better wording won't fix it.
Talk to someone you trust or an advocate before you act. The page on red flags in a relationship has more.
If saying no feels impossible with everyone, the page on people pleasing goes deeper.
Questions people ask about boundaries journaling
How do I know what my boundaries are?
Work backward from resentment, dread and the tiredness after time with certain people. Each one marks a place where something you value keeps getting crossed. The value is the boundary, once you write it as something you'll do.
How do I set a boundary without feeling guilty?
Expect some guilt the first few times, even when the boundary is fair. It isn't evidence you did something wrong. Keep the before-and-after entries; after three or four, the gap between what you feared and what happened may be hard to argue with.
What if someone keeps ignoring my boundary?
Then the follow-through is the boundary: leave, end the call or say no to the next request, every time. Repeating the request a fifth time puts the limit back in their hands.
Related
In the journaling section: relationship journal prompts and burnout journal prompts. For the habit of always saying yes, read about people pleasing.