Relationship journal prompts
Relationship journal prompts let you think about your partner and the two of you on paper, before you say it in the heat of the moment, or instead of saying it at all. These 15 cover what's working, how to look at a fight from outside it, what you need, and the patterns you keep repeating.
How to use these. Write it for yourself, the way you'd think out loud on a long walk. One prompt is enough. If you feel afraid of your partner, skip the prompts and go to the safety note below.
What's working
Most couples talk about the problems far more than the good days. Start with the good, because it's the part you stop seeing first.
A small thing my partner did this week that I noticed and didn't mention: ___.
Answer this with JoyWhen did I last feel like we were on the same team, and what were we doing?
Answer this with JoyHow did my partner react the last time I shared good news, and how did I react to theirs?
Answer this with JoyAfter a fight
Wait a day or two, until you've cooled down.
Then spend a few minutes outside your own side of it, telling the story the way someone who loves you both would tell it.
Our last disagreement, told by a fair friend who wants the best for both of us: ___.
Answer this with JoyWhat was I hoping my partner would understand, under the words I used?
Answer this with JoyNext time this topic comes up, one thing I'll do differently is ___.
Answer this with JoyWhat you need
A need nobody says out loud tends to come back as resentment. Writing it down first makes it easier to say kindly.
What do I need from myself in this relationship, separate from what I need from them?
Answer this with JoyThe fight you keep having
Plenty of couples have one argument that keeps coming back in different clothes: dishes in March, money in May, his mother at Christmas. Spotting it takes a few entries.
What do our arguments have in common: the time of day, the topic, who goes quiet and who pushes?
Answer this with JoyWhich of my reactions in this relationship did I also have in my family growing up?
Answer this with JoyWhere the two of you are going
For a calm evening.
A year from now, what do I hope we've built, and what's one small step toward it this month?
Answer this with JoySeven minutes, three times a year
The fight group comes from a two-year study of 120 married couples.1 Every four months, half of them spent about seven minutes writing about their latest disagreement from the view of a neutral third party who wanted the best for both.1
That's 21 minutes a year.
Marriage quality slid over the two years for the couples who didn't write, while for the writers the slide stopped and they felt less upset about conflict.1
Example entry: "Fair friend's version: Jordan was tired after a double shift and asked about dinner. I heard it as 'you didn't plan anything again'. I snapped. Jordan went quiet, which I read as not caring. What I wanted Jordan to understand: I'm tired too. Next time: say 'I'm wiped, can we order in?' before it starts."
When they share good news
The third prompt in "What's working" is there because of research on what happens when things go right. Sharing a good event with someone lifted people's mood beyond the event itself, and when a partner usually answered with real enthusiasm, people reported more closeness and daily satisfaction in the relationship.2 A flat "nice" or a change of subject didn't have the same effect.2
- Interested: "That's huge. How did they tell you? What happens next?"
- Flat: "Oh, nice." Then back to the phone.
- Changing the subject: "Did you remember to call the landlord?"
If you're afraid of your partner
These prompts assume both people are safe. If your partner hurts, threatens, controls or frightens you, a journal isn't the next step, and one they could find may not be safe to keep.
In the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and open 24 hours: call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.3 If you're in danger right now, call 911.
Couples counseling can help with ongoing conflict. The Hotline does not encourage it while there is abuse, because the problem is power, not communication.4
Questions people ask about relationship journaling
What are good journal prompts for a relationship?
Ones that ask for a specific moment: a small thing your partner did, your last disagreement told from outside, what you'd like more of this month. "Is my relationship good?" is too big to answer on a page.
Should couples journal together?
Some couples share a notebook, or swap one prompt a week and read each other's answers on Sunday. If you try it, start with "What's working". Keep a private journal too, so you have somewhere to think before you share.
How do I write about a fight without just venting?
Give yourself five minutes to vent. Then rewrite the fight as a fair friend would tell it. The second version is the one to learn from.
Related
In the journaling section: journal prompts for breakups, journal prompts for boundaries and journal prompts for forgiveness. In relationships: love languages and jealousy.