Despair
Despair means feeling that there's no hope that things will get better. It's heavier than sadness. Sadness hurts about something; despair adds a verdict on top of the hurt: nothing will change.
- On the wheel: Sad, then despairing
- More exact words: Hopeless, helpless
- Nearby: Numb, defeated, hopeful
- Often points to: Pain that has lasted long enough to look permanent
"This is just my life now"
Despair often speaks in certainties. "This is how it will always be." "There's no point trying." "Nothing I do makes a difference."
Two closer words split it. Hopeless is when you can't see a way for things to improve, and helpless is when you feel there's nothing you can do to change it, even if you could picture a way.
"I've applied for jobs for eight months. Last night I closed the laptop and thought, why bother, this is just my life now."
The certainty belongs to the feeling
Despair feels like seeing the future clearly.
It's a feeling about the future, and like every feeling it's shaped by how tired, how alone and how worn down you are tonight. That doesn't make it hurt less. It means the certainty is part of the feeling, and the feeling doesn't get to see what happens next any better than you do.
Signs that mean reach out today
The National Institute of Mental Health lists feeling empty, hopeless, trapped or having no reason to live among the warning signs of suicide.1 It also lists talking about wanting to die, or about being a burden to others.1
If any of that is true for you, please don't wait. Call or text 988 in the US, or your local emergency number.
Despair that lasts is worth a doctor's visit too, because feelings of hopelessness or pessimism are listed signs of depression when they last most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks.2
Despair, sadness or numbness?
| Feeling | What it says | What's still there |
|---|---|---|
| Sad | "This hurts." | The sense that things can change |
| Despairing | "This won't change." | Pain, without hope |
| Numb | "I don't feel anything." | Little feeling at all |
If feeling itself has gone quiet, read numb. If the sadness is quieter and more thoughtful, read melancholy.
Small steps for the next hour
None of these fix the feeling. They're for getting through the next stretch with a little less weight.
- Tell one person. "I'm in a bad place and I don't want to be alone with it" is enough. A friend, a family member or 988.
- Shrink the time frame. Forget "my life" for now. What would make the next hour a little easier?
- Do one small thing with your body. A glass of water, a shower, stepping outside. Behavioral activation, a therapy for depression with trial support, starts with small actions like these before mood shifts.3
- Write the thought down, word for word. "Nothing will ever change" looks different on paper than it sounds in your head, and that gap is a little room to breathe.
Who is one person you could tell how heavy things feel right now? Write what you'd say to them in two sentences.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about despair
What is the difference between despair and depression?
Despair is a feeling: the loss of hope. Depression is a health condition with a set of signs, and hopelessness is one of them.2 You can feel despair without being depressed, but lasting despair is worth checking with a doctor.
What does it mean to be in despair?
It means feeling that a situation, or life in general, is beyond hope. People in despair often stop trying, because trying feels pointless, and the stopping can then seem to prove the feeling right.
Can despair pass?
Despair tells you it can't. You don't have to win that argument tonight. You only need to get through today with someone beside you, and a doctor or therapist can help you look at what is keeping it in place.
Related
- Numb: when feeling itself goes quiet.
- Melancholy: a quieter, thoughtful sadness.
- Disappointment: when one outcome falls short.