Calm
Feeling calm means being settled and steady, with little pulling at your attention. It's pleasant and low in energy, which is exactly why it's easy to miss while it's happening.
- On the wheel: One of the seven core feelings
- Feelings inside it: Content, relieved, safe, connected, nostalgic
- Nearby: Happy, and anxious as its opposite
- Energy: Low, and pleasant
- Often points to: Nothing urgent, for now
Good, at a slower speed
Calm and excited both feel good. They run at different speeds.
James Russell's map of feelings places them on two scales, pleasant to unpleasant and low to high energy, and puts calm, relaxed and serene together on the pleasant, low-energy side, across from tense and alarmed.1 From the inside, your breathing slows without you trying, thoughts come one at a time instead of in a pile, and you can sit still without reaching for your phone.
"The kids were finally asleep, the dishes were done, and I sat on the back step for ten minutes. I didn't think about anything. It was the best part of my day."
Where this calm came from
"Calm" is the broad word. The exact one tells you what settled you.
| Feeling | Where the calm comes from | More exact words |
|---|---|---|
| Content | Having enough, right now | Satisfied, comfortable, at ease |
| Relieved | A worry or task that has passed | Lighter, reassured |
| Safe | No threat around you | Secure, steady |
| Connected | Being close to other people | Loved, accepted, close |
| Nostalgic | A warm look back | Sentimental, fond |
When slowing down sets off worry
Some people get a spike of worry when they finally slow down. Researchers call it relaxation-induced anxiety.2 Of 30 chronically anxious people given a single taped relaxation session, 5 of them, about 17 percent, felt more anxious during it.2
One explanation is the contrast avoidance model: people who worry a lot dread a sudden drop from feeling okay to feeling bad, so staying a little tense can feel safer than letting go.3 Sensitivity to that kind of sharp emotional shift explained why people with generalized anxiety had more anxiety during relaxation, a 2019 study found.3
Restlessness during calm doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
It may be a habit of staying on guard, and if it's strong, a therapist can help you work with it slowly.
Calm, numb or tired?
- Calm: "Nothing needs me right now." Settled, and you can still feel things.
- Numb: "I don't feel much of anything." Quiet without the warmth. See numb.
- Tired: "I can't do any more." Low energy, and unpleasant. See drained.
All three are quiet. Only calm feels good from the inside.
The long exhale, and other ways in
- Make the exhale longer than the inhale. In a month-long randomized trial, five minutes a day of cyclic sighing, which uses a long, slow breath out, lifted mood more than the same time spent in mindfulness meditation.4 It also lowered breathing rate.4
- Count it out. The box breathing pacer or the breathing exercises for anxiety page guide you through it.
- Start short if calm feels strange. Two minutes, eyes open, somewhere you feel safe. Stop if worry spikes, and try again another day.
- Catch calm when it comes on its own. A shower, a walk, the minute after a hard task. Naming it makes it easier to find again.
What helped you feel calm today, even for a few minutes? Write where you were, what you were doing and what your body felt like.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about feeling calm
What is a word for feeling calm?
Relaxed, at ease, peaceful, serene and steady are all close. Relieved fits when the calm comes after a worry ends, and safe fits when it comes from feeling protected.
Why do I get anxious when I finally feel calm?
The contrast avoidance research suggests the mind braces against a drop from feeling good to feeling bad.3 Shorter, gentler sessions, from step 3, are the place to start.
Related
- Contentment: the quiet sense of enough.
- Relieved: the calm after a worry passes.
- Anxious: calm's opposite on the wheel.