Should statements
Should statements are rigid rules about how you, other people or the world must be, usually with "should", "must", "have to" or "ought to". In Burns' account, aimed at yourself they bring guilt and pressure. Aimed at others they bring frustration. Having standards is fine; the rigidity is what hurts.
- Also called: Musts, or what the psychoanalyst Karen Horney called "the tyranny of the should".
- Listen for: "I should...", "I must...", "I have to...", "They ought to...", "I shouldn't feel this way".
- Close relative: All-or-nothing thinking, because a should leaves only two results: kept or broken.
- One question to ask: Whose rule is this, and what would change if I held it as a preference?
A value with a penalty attached
Compare two sentences:
- "I'd like to exercise most days because it helps me sleep."
- "I should exercise every day, and if I skip, I'm lazy."
The first is a value with a reason. The second is a should: no reason, no room, and a verdict waiting for the day you miss.
David Burns put should statements on his list of 10 cognitive distortions, and wrote that they bring guilt when you aim them at yourself and anger and frustration when you aim them at other people.1 The idea is older than CBT. In 1950 Karen Horney wrote a chapter called "The Tyranny of the Should" about inner demands that ignore what a person can feel or do as they are now.2
- At yourself: I should be over this by now.
- At someone else: He should know I need help without me having to ask.
- At the world: It shouldn't be this hard.
- At a feeling: I shouldn't get anxious about something so small.
Five from an ordinary week
Made-up examples, each with the verdict that comes after the rule breaks:
"I should have answered every email before I left. A real professional wouldn't leave anything hanging."
"She ought to remember what I told her last week. If she cared, she would."
"I must hit 10,000 steps. Today I got to 7,000, so the whole day was wasted."
"I should call my mother every day. I missed two days, so I'm a bad daughter."
"I shouldn't still be sad about this. It's been six months."
The should about a feeling
Look at the last example again. It isn't a rule about what to do. It's a rule about what to feel, and those add a second layer: the sadness, and then guilt for still having it.
Grief timelines, anxiety "over nothing", anger at someone you love. A should aimed at a feeling is hard to keep by effort, since nobody can decide to stop being sad by a deadline. More likely, it just produces the broken rule.
A common giveaway for this kind is the word "still" or "even": "I still feel", "I shouldn't even care".
Why the goalpost keeps moving
A should often shows up as pressure in the chest or a clenched jaw before it shows up as a sentence. Keep the rule and you may feel relief, without much satisfaction. Break it, and the voice that answers can sound like someone from your past.
Researchers on perfectionism describe a loop that fits. In clinical perfectionism, missing a standard brings self-criticism, and meeting it can lead a person to decide the standard was too easy and raise it.3 Either way, the goalpost moves.
A broken should also has its own flavor of bad feeling. In Tory Higgins's self-discrepancy theory, falling short of who you believe you ought to be goes with agitation (fear, threat, restlessness), while falling short of your hopes goes with disappointment and sadness.4 That may be why breaking a should leaves you on edge more than sad.
And rules travel. Many shoulds start as someone else's: a parent's, a teacher's, a coach's. Horney described them as demands a person feels bound to meet whatever their actual situation.2
Standards are fine. The rule is the problem
Some people hold on to a should because it seems to keep them good, or safe, or trying. The research below suggests the opposite: the harshness isn't what keeps people going.
Holding high standards did not predict later depressive symptoms in college students followed over six weeks.5 What did, after bad events, was the habit of generalizing from one failure to one's whole worth.5
Kindness after a slip didn't make people slack, either. Across four experiments, people who took a self-compassionate view of a mistake were more motivated to improve, and after failing a test they spent more time studying for the next one than people given a self-esteem boost.6
The word swap is less certain. Plenty of advice says to replace "should" with "could" or "want to", and we couldn't find a study that tests the swap by itself. It's a handy way to notice the rule. Nobody has shown it fixes anything.
Loosening one
- Catch the word. Write about a hard moment, then underline every should, must and have to. The count is often a surprise.
- Ask whose rule it is. Where did you first hear it? Do you still agree with it, or did you inherit it?
- Give it a reason, or let it go. "I should call my mother" becomes "I'd like to call my mother on Sundays because I miss her." If you can't find a reason you believe, the rule may not be yours.
- Hear it in a friend's mouth. What would you say to a friend who broke the same rule? The Socratic questioning page has more questions that step outside a thought.
- Try the kinder response after a slip, and watch what it does. Notice whether it leaves you more or less likely to try again the next day.6
- Turn a should about someone else into a request. "He should know I need help" becomes "I'd like help with dinner on weeknights. Can we split it?"
- If the should hides a prediction, test it. "I have to finish this tonight or everything falls apart" holds a worry about the future. Write the feared outcome and a date, then check, as described on the worry time page.
The thought record helps with the rest: write the should in its own words, then look at what fits it and what doesn't. All 10 patterns are on the cognitive distortions page.
When the rules run whole parts of life
Shoulds can govern food and weight, work hours, cleaning, or how a parent must be. Shafran and colleagues describe anorexia and bulimia as often being a direct expression of perfectionism about eating, shape and weight.3 If rules like these take up hours, hurt your health or leave you feeling you never measure up, bring them to your doctor or a CBT therapist.
Write down one should you said to yourself this week. Where did that rule come from, and what would you say to a friend who broke it?
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about should statements
What can I say instead of "should"?
Try "I'd like to... because...", "It would help if...", or "I'm choosing to...". The new word matters less than the reason you add and the room you leave for an off day.
Is "should" a shaming word?
Not always. "You should see this film" is advice. It turns shaming when it's aimed at who you are, as in "I should be better than this." That's the step where a should slides into labeling.
Are should statements always bad?
No. Some shoulds are real values, such as "I should tell the truth." The question is whether the rule has a reason you agree with and room for being human.
Why do I put shoulds on other people?
Burns linked shoulds aimed at others with anger and frustration.1 Often the other person has broken a rule they may never have known about, let alone agreed to. Turning the should into a request (step 6) gives them something they can say yes or no to.
Related
- Thinking patterns: the full section, with tools and worksheets.
- All-or-nothing thinking: the two boxes a should leaves you with.
- Labeling: when a broken rule becomes a verdict on the whole person.
- Thought record: work through one should step by step.