Humiliated
Feeling humiliated means being made to feel small, foolish or powerless in front of other people. Someone mocks you in front of the room, a private message gets shared, a partner puts you down at a party. In the typical case it's done to you, it feels unfair, and it leaves disappointment, anger and shame tangled together.1
- On the wheel: Ashamed, then embarrassed, then humiliated
- Nearby: Exposed, awkward, self-conscious
- Usually involves: An audience, and someone bringing you down
- Often points to: A blow to your standing, and a sense it was unfair
The bathroom stall afterward
Hot face. Ringing ears. The room seems to go quiet, and you want to vanish and to hit back at the same moment, and can do neither.
Then the scene replays, for days.
"My manager read my email out loud to the whole team to show what 'not to do.' People laughed. I smiled like it was fine and then sat in a bathroom stall for ten minutes."
Shame, plus "they did this to me"
Marte Elshout and colleagues asked people to describe humiliation and came away with 61 features of the experience.1 The most typical version was feeling powerless, small and inferior, in a situation where someone brought you down while others watched; people usually judged it unfair, and it left disappointment, anger and shame mixed together.1
Shame says "I'm bad." Humiliation adds "and they did this to me, in front of everyone."
| Feeling | Who caused it | Fair? |
|---|---|---|
| Embarrassed | Usually your own slip | Feels fair, if awkward |
| Ashamed | Your own act or self | Often feels deserved |
| Humiliated | Someone else, with others watching | Feels unfair |
Stronger than anger, on an EEG
Humiliation is more than a bad case of embarrassment. Marte Otten and Kai Jonas recorded brain activity while people read short scenes written to make them feel humiliation, anger or happiness.2 Two measures of how intensely the brain responded came out higher for humiliation than for either of the others, and the researchers concluded it is a particularly intense emotion.2
It can also last.
Kenneth Kendler's team rated the stressful life events of 7,322 adult twins for loss, humiliation, entrapment and danger.3 Events high in humiliation and loss predicted the start of depression, and humiliating events that devalued someone in a core role were strongly linked to risk.3 Being left by a partner, which combines both, was more likely to lead to depression than loss alone, a death included.3
The days after
- Write it as their act. "He read my email aloud to mock me." It was done to you, and the sentence should say so.
- Tell one person who'll take your side. It happened in front of an audience, and one witness who sees it your way helps balance the room that laughed.
- Hold off on deciding who you are. The pull is to accept the version of you they showed everyone. Give it a few days before you believe a word of it.
- Plan your response slowly. You may want to confront, report or leave. Write the options down once you're calm, since choices made in the first hour are the hardest to take back.
- If it's still replaying weeks later, or you start to feel hopeless, talk to a doctor or therapist. Humiliating events are linked to depression, so it deserves to be taken seriously.3
What happened, and what did it seem to say about you? Write the event as what they did, then write what you know about yourself that their act doesn't change.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about humiliation
What is the difference between humiliation and humility?
Humility is a quality you choose: seeing yourself honestly, with no need to be above anyone. Humiliation is something done to you, being pushed down against your will. One is a strength and the other is an injury.
Why can't I stop thinking about a humiliating moment?
It was intense, so the memory is vivid and keeps coming back.2 Your mind may also be trying to rewrite the scene so you come out of it better. Writing it down once, as what they did, can give the replay somewhere to land.
Should I confront the person who humiliated me?
Maybe, and later. Decide once the first wave has passed, with the options written down, and think about whether a witness, a manager or HR should be part of it if it happened at work.
Related
- Embarrassed: when a slip happens in front of others.
- Shame: the feeling that you yourself are bad.
- Resentment: when the anger about it stays.