Self-conscious
Feeling self-conscious means being sharply aware of how you look, sound or come across to other people, as if a spotlight were on you. You notice your hands, your voice, the stain on your sleeve, and you assume everyone else does too.
- On the wheel: Ashamed, then embarrassed, then self-conscious
- Nearby: Insecure, awkward, humiliated
- Often about: Looks, voice, body, an accent, a laugh
- Often points to: Imagined eyes, and a guess about what they see
Hearing your own laugh
You walk into the room and feel your own walk. You hear your laugh a second after it leaves your mouth, and then you hear yourself wondering how it sounded, while the conversation has already moved on without you.
You're doing two jobs at once. One is being in the room. The other is watching yourself in it.
"I got a new haircut that's shorter than I'm used to. At work I kept touching it and wondering if people were looking. Nobody said a word, which somehow made it worse."
The 1975 scale that split it in two
Allan Fenigstein, Michael Scheier and Arnold Buss built a scale in 1975 that divided self-consciousness into two kinds.1 Private self-consciousness is attention turned inward, to your own thoughts, moods and motives, while public self-consciousness is awareness of yourself as others see you, from your looks and manners to the impression you make.
They measured social anxiety, discomfort in the presence of others, as a related third piece.1
When people say "I'm so self-conscious," they mean the public kind. That's watching yourself from the outside. Paying attention to your own thoughts and moods is the private kind, and it feels completely different.
They can't see as much as you think
When you're self-conscious, it feels as if everyone can read what's going on inside you. Psychologists call that the illusion of transparency, and their experiments suggest other people mostly can't.2
People telling lies overestimated how many observers could tell, and people tasting an unpleasant drink while trying to hide their reaction thought their disgust showed more than it did.2 Your inner state is loud to you because you're inside it.
From outside, it's much quieter.
Its cousin, the spotlight effect, is about clothes and slips that fewer people notice than you'd guess; embarrassed covers that one.
How it feeds insecure and awkward
Self-conscious is "everyone can see me," attention on how you appear. Insecure is "what if I'm not enough," a doubt about your worth. Awkward is "I don't know how to act here."
They feed each other. Insecurity points the spotlight at you, the spotlight makes you stiff, and by the time you're wondering what to do with your hands, the moment has turned awkward too.
Getting your attention back into the room
- Turn your attention outward on purpose. Pick something to notice: what the other person is saying, the color of the walls, the song playing. Attention spent watching yourself is attention taken from the room.
- Lower your guess. Whatever you think people can see, from your nerves to your blush, the transparency studies suggest it's less.2
- Ask whose eyes you're imagining. The critic in your head might be one particular person from years ago: a parent, an ex, a classmate. The people in the room are someone else.
- Stay. Leaving early ends the discomfort and also takes away the chance to find out the evening would have been fine.
If it's constant and keeps you from going places, it may be more than a passing feeling. Social anxiety disorder involves feeling highly self-conscious and fearing others' judgment, for at least six months.3
Whose eyes do you imagine are on you? Write what you think they see, then write what someone who loves you would see in the same moment.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about feeling self-conscious
What does it mean to be self-conscious?
Unusually aware of yourself as others might see you: your looks, your words, your movements. It's the discomfort of being watched when no one is looking.
Is self-conscious the same as insecure?
Close, but they come apart. You can feel self-conscious in a new outfit and still feel secure in yourself overall.
Why am I so self-conscious about my body?
Bodies are always on show and easy to compare, which makes them an easy target. When you notice the feeling, ask what exactly you think people see, and who taught you to look for it. If thoughts about your body take up hours of your day, raise it with a doctor.
Related
- Awkward: unsure how to act in a moment.
- Embarrassed: when a slip happens in front of others.
- Nervous: jittery before something you'll do.