Betrayed
Feeling betrayed means being hurt by someone you trusted, who broke that trust on purpose or by not acting when they should have. The deeper the trust was, the harder the fall.
- On the wheel: Sad, then hurt, then betrayed
- Next to it: Rejected, let down
- Nearby: Wronged, resentful
- Often points to: Trust that was given and then broken
Trusted, and not an accident
Two things make it betrayal. The psychologist Stanley Rachman defined it as the sense of being harmed by the intentional actions, or omissions, of a trusted person.1 The person was trusted, and what they did or failed to do wasn't a slip.
He named the forms it takes most:1
- Sharing what you told them in confidence: a secret passed on, a private message forwarded.
- Disloyalty: taking another side, speaking against you when you weren't there.
- Infidelity: a partner who cheated.
- Dishonesty: a long lie, or a truth kept from you.
"I told my closest friend at work that I was thinking of leaving. Two days later my manager asked me about it. Only one person knew."
"How did I not see it?"
Rachman's list of betrayal's effects runs past the relationship itself: shock, loss and grief, preoccupation that won't let go, damaged self-esteem, self-doubt and anger.1 He noted that it can produce life-altering changes.1
The self-doubt is the part people don't see coming, because it turns the question from them to you.
If you trusted the wrong person, your own judgment can start to look suspect, and that question can hurt as much as what they did. You can end up angry at them and doubting yourself in the same hour.1 The broken trust was still their choice.
When the one who betrayed you is an institution
Psychologists Carly Smith and Jennifer Freyd use the term institutional betrayal for the times a trusted institution harms the people who depend on it for safety, and their examples include schools, churches, the military and government.2
The trust question in the table below still applies, only now it's about a place you depended on to keep you safe.
Betrayed, hurt or let down?
| Feeling | What happened | The trust question |
|---|---|---|
| Let down | Someone didn't do what you counted on | "Can I count on them?" |
| Hurt | Someone's words or actions stung | "Do they value me?" |
| Betrayed | Someone you trusted broke that trust | "Was any of it real?" |
If it's mostly the sting of being turned away, read rejected. If it's turning into a grudge you keep replaying, read resentment.
The first weeks after you find out
- Give the shock time. Shock is one of betrayal's first effects.1 Big decisions about the relationship can wait until the first wave passes.
- Write what happened, in order. Preoccupation is another of its effects,1 and a written timeline gives your mind somewhere to put the details so it doesn't have to keep turning them over at night.
- Separate their choice from your judgment. You trusted based on what you knew. They chose to break it. Write both sentences down.
- Decide what you need, as well as what they deserve. An apology? Distance? A conversation? You don't owe anyone a quick answer.
- Talk to someone outside it. A friend who isn't involved, or a therapist, can help you sort what you know from what you fear.
What did you trust them with, and what changed when you found out? Write one sentence about what they did, and one about what you need now.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about betrayal
How can I regain trust after being betrayed?
Slowly, and only if the other person changes what they do as well as what they say. Trust comes back through small promises kept over months. You can also decide it isn't coming back, and that is a valid choice.
Do I have to forgive someone who betrayed me?
No. Forgiveness is a choice you can make later, or never. Deciding what you need now, from step 4, comes first.
Related
- Hurt: when someone's words or actions stung.
- Rejected: when you were turned away or not chosen.
- Resentment: when the anger stays and keeps replaying.