Rejected
Feeling rejected is the pain of being turned away or not chosen: a date who stops replying, a job that goes to someone else, friends who make plans without you. It stings out of proportion to the event, and researchers have studied why.
- On the wheel: Sad, then hurt, then rejected
- Next to it: Betrayed, let down
- Nearby: Inadequate, accepted
- Often points to: A need to belong that was knocked
From "they said no" to "something is wrong with me"
Rejection lands fast. A drop in the stomach, heat in the face, then the replay of what you said, how you looked and what you should have done, until the jump from their no to your flaw feels like one step.
It comes in a few shapes. Romantic rejection is being turned down, ghosted or broken up with. Social rejection is being left out of plans, a group chat or a table at lunch. At work it's the job, the promotion or the pitch that went to someone else.
"I saw the photos from the birthday dinner on Instagram. Six of my friends, all laughing. Nobody had mentioned it. I put my phone face down and felt about twelve years old."
A pretend ball game that hurts
Researchers have a simple test for this. In a computer game called Cyberball, a person tosses a virtual ball with two other players, who are in fact run by the program.1 After a while, the other two stop throwing to them.
That's all. Strangers, a pretend ball, a few minutes.
The effect of being left out was still large across 120 Cyberball studies with 11,869 people, and it held across gender, age and country.2 Being excluded in the game also raised activity in a brain region that's active during physical pain, and more activity went with more distress, in a brain scan study.3
If a small rejection hurts more than it "should", you're seeing how people are built. It isn't proof that you're too sensitive.
The rejection, and the story about it
What happened and what you decide it means tend to arrive together. The psychologist Geraldine Downey and a colleague described rejection sensitivity: anxiously expecting rejection, readily seeing it and reacting strongly.4 In their studies, people high in it saw deliberate rejection in others' unclear behavior, and in a new partner's thoughtless moments.4
| What happened | The story that can follow | Another possible story |
|---|---|---|
| A text left on read | "They don't care about me." | "They're busy and forgot." |
| Not invited to a dinner | "Nobody wants me around." | "It was planned around someone else." |
| Turned down for a job | "I'm not good enough." | "Someone else fit what they needed." |
Sometimes the first story is true. Writing both down lets you check before you act on it.
After the no
- Expect it to hurt. Even tiny exclusions sting in the Cyberball research.2 The pain is no sign you overreacted.
- Split the event from the meaning. Write what happened in plain facts. Then write the story you're telling yourself, and mark where the two differ.
- Reach toward someone safe. Rejection knocks your sense of belonging. Time with a person who's glad to see you speaks to that directly.
- Read one no as one choice. One person, one job, one group made one choice, and it tells you about that situation.
What story are you telling yourself about why it happened? Write the story, then write one other explanation that fits the same facts.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about feeling rejected
Can rejection cause physical pain?
It can feel physical, though nothing is injured. Being left out of a game raised activity in a brain region that also responds to physical pain.3 That overlap may help explain why rejection can feel physical.
What does it mean when you feel rejected all the time?
Some people expect rejection more than others and see it in unclear situations, a pattern researchers call rejection sensitivity.4 Patterns can be worked with. Checking the evidence behind each "they rejected me" can show which ones were real.
How do you get over feeling left out?
Name it plainly, to yourself or the person involved: "I felt left out when I saw the photos." Then make one plan with someone who includes you.
Related
- Hurt: when someone's words or actions stung.
- Betrayed: when someone you trusted broke that trust.
- Inadequate: when rejection turns into "I'm not enough."