Disqualifying the positive
Disqualifying the positive is noticing something good, then explaining why it doesn't count. The compliment was only politeness. The good result was luck. It keeps a low opinion of yourself safe from evidence, so the good things happen and still leave no mark.
- Also called: Discounting the positive.
- Listen for: "It doesn't count because...", "Anyone could have...", "They were just being nice", "I got lucky".
- Close relative: Mental filter, which never notices the good in the first place.
- One question to ask: If a friend did this, would I let it count for them?
Seen, then sent away
The good thing isn't missed. David Burns described this pattern as turning neutral or even positive experiences into negative ones by insisting they "don't count".1 You notice the compliment perfectly well, and then you hand it back.
A win can be sent away through a few common exits, and most people have a favorite:
- Luck: I only got the job because nobody better applied.
- Politeness: She said my talk was good because she had to say something.
- Ease: Anyone could have done that. It doesn't mean anything.
- Timing: It went well this once. It won't last.
Each one sounds modest on its own.
Put together, they mean no amount of good evidence can ever change the belief, because every piece gets turned away at the door.
Five wins that didn't count
Written for this page as illustrations. Try naming the exit each one uses.
"He says I look nice. He has to say that. He's my husband."
"I've lost eight pounds, but it's probably water. It'll come back."
"My daughter said I'm a good dad. She's just in a good mood because I let her stay up."
"People came to my birthday dinner, but they'd have gone to anyone's. There was nothing else on."
"I got the promotion, but only because two people left. If they'd stayed, it would have been one of them."
Politeness, timing, luck, ease, luck. The husband, the scale, the daughter, the friends and the promotion all said or showed something good, and none of it got through.
The flicker, then the push
Good news can bring a small lift. Then something pushes it down: a "yes, but", a quick change of subject, a joke at your own expense. Hearing a compliment can feel uncomfortable, as if accepting it would be arrogant or would set you up to fall.
Turning down a good mood
This one has been measured. Gregory Feldman, Jutta Joormann and Sheri Johnson built a questionnaire on how people respond to their own positive feelings. Its dampening items read like the examples above: "This is too good to be true", "I don't deserve this" and "My streak of luck is going to end soon."2
In their student sample, more dampening went with more depressive symptoms, even after accounting for brooding about bad moods.2
Christine Padesky explains why the habit holds on. Deep beliefs about the self, she wrote, are kept in place by not noticing, distorting and discounting the evidence against them, or by calling it an exception.3 Disqualifying the positive is the discounting step, done in real time.
There's a logic to it from the inside. If good news never counts, it can't be taken away. The cost is that the good news never gets to help, either.
Humble, or discounting?
The test is what happens to the good thing.
Humility shares it: "Thank you, the team helped a lot." The compliment is accepted, and credit goes where it belongs. Discounting cancels it: "It doesn't count." And it does that every time, whatever the evidence, so nothing good is ever allowed to shift how you see yourself.
If you can't remember the last time you let one land, it may be the second.
A log for evidence you don't believe yet
Padesky describes a positive data log: a daily record of every observation that fits a new, kinder belief about yourself, even the small ones.3 It suits this pattern, because it collects the evidence before the exits can get to it.
Example log, belief "I'm someone people want around": Tuesday, Sam saved me a seat. Wednesday, my sister called just to talk. Thursday, a neighbor asked how the move went.
- Pick the kinder belief. Keep it modest, such as "I'm decent at my job", so it's one you could imagine being true.
- Write two or three lines a day. Small counts. It will feel awkward at first, because you're looking for evidence you don't yet believe in.
- Catch the "but". When good news comes with a "but", write the first half in the log and leave the second half off.
- Let a compliment land. Practice saying "thank you" and nothing else, and notice what the urge to add "but" feels like.
- Treat "it won't last" as a prediction. Write what you expect and when, then check. The worry time page shows how to run that kind of check.
The thought record also has a column for facts the thought leaves out, which is where discounted evidence belongs. This pattern's short entry, next to the other nine, is on the cognitive distortions page.
If nothing good ever sticks
When weeks go by and no good news gets through, and the mood underneath stays low, a CBT therapist can work on the belief the discounting protects.
Write down one good thing from this week that you explained away. Then write it again with nothing after it: no "but", no "only because".
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about disqualifying the positive
Is disqualifying the positive a cognitive distortion?
Yes. It's one of the 10 on David Burns' list, between mental filter and jumping to conclusions.1
How is it different from a mental filter?
A mental filter misses the good parts. Disqualifying the positive sees them clearly and dismisses them. The positive data log suits this one best, because the evidence is already in view.
What do I say when someone compliments me?
"Thank you" is enough. If that feels too bare, add something true that keeps the compliment intact, such as "I worked hard on it" or "That means a lot." Leave out anything that starts with "but".
Related
- Thinking patterns: the section's guides, worksheets and tools.
- Mental filter: when the good never registers.
- Labeling: the verdict that discounted wins protect.
- Thought record: give the left-out facts a column.