Loneliness
Loneliness is the painful gap between the connection you want and the connection you have.1 Being alone is something else. You can feel lonely in a full office or a marriage, and feel fine on a quiet weekend by yourself. It's common, and it says nothing bad about you.
Write down one lonely thought, such as "nobody would notice if I didn't show up", and look at it step by step. Nothing you type leaves your device.
The moment
Just the facts, as a camera would record them.
If writing this out leaves you feeling worse, it's fine to stop and come back later, or to talk to someone you trust. If you're thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US, or see crisis resources.
Four shapes the gap can take
The US Surgeon General's 2023 advisory calls loneliness a distressing feeling that comes from a gap between the connection you want and what you have.1 Here are four shapes it takes. The examples are made up for this page.
Lonely in a crowd
Plenty of people around, and no one who knows what's going on with you.
"I talk to twenty people a day at work, and not one of them knows my dad is sick."
Missing one kind of closeness
Friends for fun, but no one to call at a bad moment. Or a partner, and no friends of your own.
"I have people to go out with. I don't have anyone I'd call at 2 a.m."
After a change
A move, a new job, a breakup, a new baby, retirement. The old connections thin out before new ones form.
"It's been eight months in this city and the only person who knows my name is the barista."
Alone and fine
Time alone that you chose, and enjoy, is solitude. It's on this list so you can tell the two apart.
"I spent Saturday reading and cooking and didn't talk to anyone. It was the best day of my week."
How one slow reply becomes proof
Loneliness tilts how you read other people. In John Cacioppo and Louise Hawkley's research, lonely people were more alert to social threats and more likely to read situations in ways that confirmed their fears.2 That reading protects you in the short run and keeps you apart in the long run.2
- The lonely reading: She doesn't want to see me. I'll stop asking.
- A fuller reading: She's busy this week. I don't know yet, and one slow reply isn't an answer.
The first reading feels like a fact. It can also have a cost: you pull back, she hears from you less, the next invitation gets less likely, and when that invitation doesn't come, it looks like more proof that you read her right the first time.
Rehearsing a text you never send
You might write the message, rewrite it, and close the app without sending it. You might scroll through other people's evenings and feel further away with each one. You might turn down an invitation you wanted, because saying yes felt like too much.
Watch, too, for how fast you decide that people are busy, bored with you, or better off without you.
That speed comes from the tilt. Check the reading before you act on it.
How common it is, and what the health numbers can't tell you
About one in two US adults said in recent years that they'd felt lonely, and that was before the pandemic, according to the Surgeon General's advisory.1
The health findings are where most pages reach for alarm. Here's what they say.
Across studies that controlled for other factors, loneliness went with a 26% higher likelihood of dying during the study period.3 A broader meta-analysis of 148 studies found that people with stronger social relationships had 50% higher odds of survival.4 The advisory compares the risk of lacking connection to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.1,5
All of these are links in observational data, and people's health at the start of a study affected the results, so they can't show that loneliness causes early death.3
Why the programs that worked went after thinking
Christopher Masi and colleagues pooled programs meant to reduce loneliness and sorted them into four kinds: teaching social skills, adding social support, creating more chances to meet people, and working on unhelpful social thinking.6 Among the randomized studies, the last kind came out ahead.6
More chances to meet people sounds like the obvious fix. It only goes so far if every slow reply still reads as rejection.
What the chatbot study found
A four-week study gave 981 people an AI chatbot. Those who chose to use it more had worse outcomes, including more loneliness and less social contact with real people.7 The study shows the two went together; it doesn't show the chatbot caused it.
We make an AI journaling companion, so we read that result as a warning about ourselves. Joy can help you think through a hard evening or draft a message to a friend, and then you still have to send it.
Five small steps, starting with one message
- Reach out to one person today. One of the advisory's everyday steps is to take time each day to contact a friend or family member.1 A two-line message counts: "Saw this and thought of you. How's your week?"
- Check the lonely reading. When you catch "they don't want me there", write it down and ask what else could explain it, since this is the kind of thinking the most successful programs in the randomized studies worked on.6 The thought record walks you through one.
- Join something that meets regularly. A class, a team, a choir or a volunteer shift. The advisory suggests groups built around fitness, faith, hobbies, work or service.1
- Help someone. The advisory suggests looking for chances to serve and support others, from family and co-workers to strangers.1
- Put the phone away when you're with people. Cutting distractions during conversations and meals, as the advisory recommends, makes the time you do spend together count for more.1
When months have gone by
If loneliness has lasted for months, or it comes with low mood, poor sleep or losing interest in things, that's the point to bring in a professional. The advisory also suggests telling your health care provider about big social changes, such as a move or a loss.1
If loneliness turns into thoughts of not wanting to be here, or of harming yourself, call or text 988 in the US now. The advisory names 988 as one place to turn.1
Joyful is an AI journaling companion, not therapy, and not a substitute for people.
Who is one person you've lost touch with but would be glad to hear from? Write the first two lines you could send them, then decide when you'll send it.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask
How do you deal with being lonely?
Pick which of the four shapes fits first, since they may call for different moves: lonely in a crowd might mean telling one person more, and after a move, finding a group that meets every week.
What does loneliness do to people?
In the moment, it hurts, and it makes people quicker to spot rejection.2 Over years, it's linked to heart disease, stroke, depression and early death, though those studies show links and can't prove cause.1,3
What are the symptoms of loneliness?
There's no official list, since loneliness isn't a medical condition. The usual signs are feeling unseen, reading rejection into small moments and pulling back from others.1,2
How do you deal with sadness when you're alone?
Ask whether this is loneliness or a sadness that would still be there with company. If it's the second, more contact may not touch it. If the sadness lasts for weeks, talk to a doctor.