Sorry
Feeling sorry means wanting to apologize: you did something that hurt or let someone down, and you want to put it right. It's guilt with a direction, pointed at the person you affected.
- On the wheel: Ashamed, then guilty, then sorry
- Nearby: Remorseful, to blame, guilty
- Often comes with: Words you keep drafting and not sending
- Often points to: A relationship you want to repair
"Hey, about yesterday"
You type it, delete it, and type it again. Part of you wants to fix things tonight. Part of you hopes it'll blow over on its own.
"I snapped at my friend in front of her coworkers because I was stressed about my own deadline. She's been quiet since. I know I owe her an apology. I just don't know how to start it."
The six parts of an apology, ranked
The more parts an apology had, the better it worked, when researchers tested six parts alone and in combinations with 333 adults online and 422 students.1,2 Some parts counted for far more than others.
| Rank | Part | Sounds like |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Acknowledge responsibility | "I was wrong to snap at you." |
| 2 | Offer to repair | "Can I explain to your coworkers that it was on me?" |
| 3 (tied) | Express regret | "I'm sorry." |
| 3 (tied) | Explain what went wrong | "I was stressed about my deadline and took it out on you." |
| 3 (tied) | Say you'll change | "Next time I'll step away before I answer." |
| 6 | Ask for forgiveness | "Can you forgive me?" |
Owning what you did came first, and offering to fix it came second.2 The words people lead with, "I'm sorry," tied for third with two others.2
Asking for forgiveness came last, so it's the one to drop if you have to.2
One caution: people in these studies read written apologies, and the lead researcher noted that voice, eye contact and sincerity may matter a lot in person.2
Knowing you owe one and still not saying it
A review of apology research names three barriers.3 People hold back when they care little about the person, when apologizing threatens how they see themselves, or when they doubt it will help.3
The middle barrier is the sneaky one. "If I say I was wrong, I'm a bad friend" turns a fixable act into a verdict about you, and the guilt page has more on keeping the two apart.
Sorry for the rain
Some sorries apologize for nothing you did. People who said they were sorry about something clearly not their fault, like the rain or heavy traffic, were trusted more, across four studies, because the apology showed concern for the other person.4
"I'm sorry you had such a rough day" is a kindness.
Saying it well
- Start with what you did. One plain sentence, no "if" and no "but": "I was wrong to snap at you."
- Offer something concrete. Ask what would help, or suggest a fix.
- Keep the explanation short. One sentence of why, then stop, because a long explanation starts to sound like an excuse.
- Say what you'll do next time. Then do it.
- Let them answer in their own time. Forgiveness is theirs to give, and pressing for it was the weakest part in the study.2
What would a real apology include? Write it in four lines: what you did, how you'd repair it, a short why, and what you'll do next time.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about feeling sorry
What not to say during an apology?
"I'm sorry if you were hurt" and "I'm sorry, but." Both move the focus off what you did and onto the other person's reaction.
Why can't I bring myself to apologize?
Apologizing can feel like admitting you're a bad person, or you may doubt it will change anything.3 Writing a practice draft that you never send can make the real one easier to start.
Related
- Guilt: feeling bad about something you did.
- Remorseful: when you wish you could undo it.
- Self-blame: when you're sure it was all your fault.