Regret
Regret is wishing you had chosen differently, about something you did or something you didn't do. It looks back at a decision and pictures the other road.
- On the wheel: Sad, then disappointed, then regretful
- Nearby: Guilty, discouraged, defeated
- Often points to: A choice, and something you still care about
"If only" and "I should have"
That's how regret talks. Sometimes it's sharp, right after a choice. Sometimes it's a dull ache that turns up years later on a quiet evening, with no warning.
"I turned down the job in Denver to stay close to home. Five years on, I still look up that company sometimes and wonder who I'd be if I'd said yes."
Action regrets fade, inaction regrets linger
People regret their actions more in the short term: the thing they said, the purchase they made.1 Over the long run the balance flips, and inactions take over: the chance not taken, the person not called.1 Thomas Gilovich and Victoria Husted Medvec, who reviewed the research on when people regret what, describe processes that soften the pain of regretted actions over time and others that sharpen the pain of regretted inactions.1
The road not taken stays open in your imagination.
Education first, leisure last
Asked to rank their regrets, people in 11 studies put the same six areas on top, in this order: education, career, romance, parenting, the self and leisure.2 The authors of that meta-analysis linked the order to opportunity. People regret most where they still see a real chance to change things.2
Read that way, the loudest regret tends to point to an area of your life that's still open.
Your choice, someone's hurt, or the world's outcome
Regret is about your own choice, whether or not anyone else was affected. When the choice hurt someone, the closer word is guilt. When the outcome wasn't yours to choose, it's disappointment: research comparing the two ties regret to bad decisions and disappointment to expectations the world didn't meet.3
Working with a regret
- Ask what it's pointing at. If your regret is about career or learning, that area may still be open.2 What would a small step look like now?
- Judge the old choice by what you knew then. You chose with the information, energy and fears you had at the time. Hindsight wasn't available.
- Set down what's closed. Some roads are gone. A short note to your younger self about why they chose as they did is one way to put it down.
- Use it on the next choice. If inaction regrets last longer,1 a regret can be a reason to say yes to the next chance.
What would you do differently, and what stopped you then? Now write what that regret says you still want, and one step toward it this month.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about regret
Is regret a bad thing?
It hurts, and it can be useful. It shows you what you care about, and the biggest regrets tend to sit where change is still possible.2 It turns into a problem when it becomes constant replaying with no next step.
How do you stop living with regret?
Sort it into two piles: the parts you can still act on and the parts that are closed. Act on one small open part this week. For the closed parts, write the story of why you chose as you did, as kindly as you'd write it for a friend.
What is the difference between regret and remorse?
Regret is wishing you'd chosen differently. Remorse is deep sorrow for having hurt someone, closer to guilt. You can regret a haircut. Remorse is for harm, and the remorseful page covers it.
Related
- Guilt: when your choice hurt someone.
- Disappointment: when the outcome let you down.
- Nostalgia: a warmer kind of looking back.