How to help someone grieving
The most helpful thing is usually simple: be there, let them talk about the person and the loss, and offer specific practical help. When bereaved people were asked what helped, the chance to express their feelings came near the top, and advice and pushes to "move on" came out as unhelpful.1 You don't need the perfect words.
What bereaved people said helped
Darrin Lehman, John Ellard and Camille Wortman interviewed 94 people who had lost a spouse or child in a car crash 4 to 7 years earlier, and asked what other people had done for them.1
The two things that helped most were contact with someone who had been through a similar loss, and the chance to talk about their feelings. The two that hurt most were advice and encouragement to recover.1
Then the researchers asked 100 people who weren't bereaved what they'd say or do, and most of their answers were the helpful kind.1
You probably already know what to do. The hard part is doing it when you're nervous and the silence feels long.
What to say
The lines below are examples written for this page. Change them to sound like you.
- Simple: I'm so sorry about your mom. I'm here.
- Using the name: I keep thinking about Sam and that laugh of his.
- A memory: I'll never forget how your dad showed up to help me move with his old truck.
- No pressure: You don't have to reply. I'm thinking of you today.
- Specific help: I'm dropping off dinner Thursday at six. Is there anything you can't eat?
Say the person's name
Grieving people often want those around them to listen, ask questions and share memories, Psychology Today's guide notes, and using the name is part of that.2 Not sure? Ask: "Is it okay if I talk about her?"
"Nobody says his name anymore. It's like he never existed."
Let them lead
The same guide calls pushing for "closure" generally unhelpful and suggests following the grieving person's lead.2 If they want to talk about the hospital, listen. If they want to talk about football, talk about football.
"Can we not talk about it tonight? Tell me about your week."
What to skip
Each of these is well meant. Advice and pushes to recover were what the bereaved people in the crash study named most often as unhelpful.1 The card swaps five common lines for plainer ones.
- "Everything happens for a reason": I don't understand why this happened. I'm so sorry.
- "At least they're not suffering": This is so hard. I'm here.
- "You need to get out more": Want to come for a walk on Saturday? No need to talk.
- "I know exactly how you feel": I can't know exactly how this feels for you. I want to hear about it.
- "Let me know if you need anything": I'm going to the store tomorrow. What can I pick up for you?
Practical help to offer
"Let me know if you need anything" hands the work back to them: they have to think of a task, then ask. Name the task instead, and the day.
- A meal, in containers that don't need returning.
- Groceries, the pharmacy, the dry cleaning, the car.
- Telling other people the news, or answering the phone for a day.
- School runs, dog walks, a few hours of babysitting.
- Laundry, dishes, the lawn, the bins on bin night.
- Sitting with them while they sort bills, forms or the estate.
Comfort in, vent out
Psychologist Susan Silk and mediator Barry Goldman described a simple rule in the Los Angeles Times.3 Draw a small circle with the person grieving in the middle. Around it, draw rings for the people closest, then friends, then everyone else.
The rule is "comfort in, dump out".3 You send comfort toward the center. If you need to vent, you vent to someone in a bigger ring, never to someone closer to the loss than you are.
"I'm so upset about Jen's mom. I'll call my sister about it, not Jen."
Keep showing up
Grief outlasts the funeral by a long way, and a 2025 review tied grief and physical reactions to death anniversaries, birthdays and other significant dates.4 Put four in your calendar now:
- Two weeks after the funeral: a text or a meal.
- Their birthday: "Thinking of Sam today."
- The holidays: an invitation, or a check-in on the day. The holidays page has more.
- The first anniversary: a card that names the person.
Losses other people don't recognize, a pet or a miscarriage or an ex, often get less of this support, which is what Kenneth Doka meant by disenfranchised grief.5 Show up for those too. The pet loss page has more.
When to worry and what to do
Months of intense grief can be normal. A few signs mean it's time to encourage a visit to a doctor or grief counselor:
- They can't manage daily life for many months.
- Intense yearning for the person is still there nearly every day a year later.6
- They're drinking or using drugs heavily to cope.
If they talk about wanting to die, or about not wanting to be here, take it seriously and ask them directly. Use the crisis resources below with them, or call 988 in the US. Joyful is an AI journaling companion, not therapy or a grief counselor.
Write about the person who is grieving and what they're carrying right now. What is one specific thing you could do for them this week, and when will you do it?
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask
How do you comfort someone who is grieving?
Be there, listen and let them talk about the person.1 Say their loved one's name. Offer one specific kind of help, and skip advice about how to grieve.1
What do grieving people need to hear?
Usually something short and honest: "I'm so sorry. I'm here." If you have a memory of the person, share it.2 They don't need reasons or silver linings.
How do you comfort someone who is grieving over text?
Keep it short, use the person's name and add "no need to reply". Then follow up a week or two later. The examples on this page work as texts.
How do I help a grieving friend who lives far away?
Call, send a meal delivery, mail a card with a memory, or set a video call. Mark the hard dates and check in on them.
How do I support someone who is grieving and angry?
Let the anger be there without arguing with it. Psychology Today's guide warns against judging how someone grieves, or assuming there's a proper way to do it.2 If the anger turns to talk of harming themselves or someone else, use the crisis resources.