Grief during the holidays
Grief gets louder around holidays, birthdays and anniversaries for a lot of people. A 2025 review of 58 studies and case reports found real grief and physical reactions around significant dates after a death.1 A hard December doesn't mean you're going backwards. Cruse, the UK bereavement charity, suggests deciding ahead of time how you'll spend the day, or not spend it.2
Same table, one chair empty
Holidays are built out of repetition: the same food, the same songs, the same person carving. That's what makes the gap so easy to see. The quoted lines below are examples we wrote, not anyone's real words.
Every tradition had a job they did
Carving, the toast, the playlist, the phone call to the cousins: somebody always did it, and now nobody does.
"Nobody knew how to carve the turkey. Dad always did it. We just stood there."
The screens are full of other people's families
Ads, films and feeds fill up with happy tables in December. Cruse suggests stepping away from screens when those images get too much.2
"I muted every group chat by noon on Christmas Eve."
Your family won't grieve the same way you do
One person wants every tradition kept exactly. Another wants to cancel the whole thing. Cruse's advice is to be sensitive to how others are grieving and to talk openly about what will work for all of you.2
"My mom wants the whole family over. I can't even look at the tree."
Year six can be worse than year one
Cruse gives the same guidance whether this is your first holiday since the death or someone died many years ago.2
"It's been six years. I thought this one would be easier, and it's worse."
The weeks before are their own hard part
Dread has weeks to grow, through the shopping and the invitations and the countdown, and the day itself only lasts one day.
"I dreaded it for weeks. By lunch on the day, I was mostly just tired."
What the anniversary research found
Édouard Leaune, Pauline Lau-Taï and Alexandra Pitman pulled together 58 articles on grief around death anniversaries, birthdays and other occasions that mattered.1 Around those dates they found grief reactions, physical symptoms and mental health problems, noted especially in women.1
The review can't tell you how hard this particular holiday will be. It does tell you a flare on the 25th is a known, documented pattern.
It also found that mourning practices around those dates cut both ways, with positive and negative sides.1
Small rituals, and why they work
People who performed a ritual after a loss reported less grief across Michael Norton and Francesca Gino's three experiments, partly because the ritual gave them a sense of control.3 The rituals were small, and some were brand new ones the researchers assigned.3
That's encouraging for a holiday. A candle at the table, their recipe, one toast with their name in it: a ritual doesn't have to be old to count.
Whether remembering comforts or stings depends on where you are with the loss. A strong bond with the person went with more distress only for bereaved young adults who couldn't make sense of the loss yet, so if this year's ritual hurts more than it helps, change it.4 The letter page goes into that study.
Breaks count too. In the dual process model, grieving people move between facing the loss and getting on with the rest of life, and both are coping.5 Laughing at a film on Christmas afternoon betrays nobody.
A plan on one sticky note
Cruse suggests planning in advance how you'll celebrate, or not.2 Four answers are enough.
- Where will I be: Choose who you'll spend the day with, or decide to spend it alone on purpose.
- What will I keep: Pick one tradition to keep, one to change and one to skip this year.
- How will I remember them: Choose one small way, like a candle, their recipe or saying their name at the table.
- How do I leave: Decide your exit ahead of time: a walk, a set time or a friend you can call.
Then tell one person what's on the note.
Lines you can say to family
Family can't always guess what you need, so say it. We wrote these for this page; borrow them or change them.
- Coming, with a limit: I'll come for dinner, and I'll probably head home before dessert.
- Saying their name: I want us to talk about Grandma today. It helps me to hear her name.
- Skipping a tradition: I can't do the gift exchange this year. I'll be back next year.
- Wanting company: I don't want to be alone on the day. Can I come over for a few hours?
- Needing quiet: If I step outside for a while, I'm okay. I just need some air.
Getting through the day itself
- Change what you like. You don't have to host, cook the same meal or send cards, and Cruse says you shouldn't feel pressured into anything you're uncomfortable with.2
- Remember them one way. Visit a place that mattered, look at photos, or hang a decoration that was theirs.2
- Hold on to sleep and meals. Cruse suggests keeping a routine and regular meals where you can.2
- Watch the drinking. Alcohol tends to rise over the holidays, and Cruse notes it only gives short relief from grief.2
- Write to them about this year. The letter page has prompts for hard dates.
- Put something on the 26th. A walk, a film, a friend for coffee. The day after shouldn't be a blank.
If January doesn't bring it down
A wave that hasn't eased in the weeks after the holidays is worth raising with a doctor or grief counselor. So is grief that still makes daily life hard a year after the death, which is the point where a clinician may consider prolonged grief disorder; the grief page has the details.6
Joyful is an AI journaling companion, not therapy or a grief counselor.
Write about one holiday moment with them you'd keep forever. Then write one thing you'd like to do differently this year, and who you could tell.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask
Why is the first Christmas after a death so hard?
Every tradition runs without them for the first time, and the pressure to look cheerful for everyone else adds weight. Cruse's guidance covers later holidays as well, because year six can hurt too.2
Why am I so sad during the holidays when nobody has died?
The holidays can bring up other losses: a divorce, an estrangement or a loss with no clear ending. If low mood comes back every winter and lasts, mention it to your doctor.
Is it okay to skip the holidays while grieving?
Yes. Cruse says you can keep some traditions or ignore the day entirely.2 Telling family a week or two ahead gives them time to adjust.
What can I do for a friend who is grieving at Christmas?
Invite them, and make it easy to say no or to leave early. Say the person's name. The helping someone grieving page has texts you can send on the day.