Heartbroken
Heartbroken is the deep sadness after losing someone you love: a breakup, a divorce, a friendship that ended, or a death. It aches in a way that can feel physical, and it tends to come in waves. Rejection lit up brain areas that also respond to physical pain in a 2011 scan study, though researchers still argue over what that overlap means.1,2
- On the wheel: Sad, then grieving, then heartbroken
- Next to it: Longing
- Nearby: Grieving, rejected
- Often points to: The loss of a person and of the life you'd planned with them
Sadness with a body
A tight chest. A stomach that won't take food. Sleep that comes late and breaks early, and a mind that keeps reaching for them: their profile, the old messages, the conversation you rehearse in the shower and will never have.
You lose a future along with the person, the trip you'd booked, the holidays, the "we" in every plan, which is part of why it can take so long.
"I keep reaching for my phone to tell him something funny that happened at work. Then I remember. It's been six weeks and that still happens five times a day."
Why "it hurts" may be literal
Ethan Kross and colleagues scanned people who had recently been through an unwanted breakup while they looked at a photo of their ex and thought about being rejected.1 Brain areas that handle the sensory side of physical pain became active, overlapping with what happened when the same people felt real heat on their arm.1
Not everyone reads it that way. Giandomenico Iannetti and André Mouraux argued the overlap may reflect how attention-grabbing both experiences are, more than shared pain.2
Whichever side is right, the ache you feel is real.
Broken heart syndrome is a real condition
Doctors at Johns Hopkins described 19 patients whose hearts weakened suddenly after an emotional shock.3 Most were women, the median age was 63, and in every case the heart recovered within weeks.3
Chest pain or shortness of breath after a shock is an emergency. Call 911.
Heartbroken, grieving or rejected?
| Feeling | What was lost | Sounds like |
|---|---|---|
| Rejected | Being chosen | "They didn't want me." |
| Grieving | Someone or something you loved | "I miss them." |
| Heartbroken | A person and the future you'd planned | "I can't picture my life without them." |
For a death, the grief page goes further. If the sharpest part is being turned away, read rejected.
Finding the "I" again
A breakup can take part of who you are with it. Grace Larson and David Sbarra followed 210 recently separated young adults for nine weeks; some came in four times to answer detailed questions and talk about the breakup, and others were only assessed at the start and the end.4
More reflection went with bigger gains in a clear sense of self.4 That clearer self-concept explained the drops in loneliness and in unwanted thoughts about the breakup, and the reflectors used "we" less when they talked about it.4
The reflecting was describing the breakup and how they were coping, again and again. Replaying the fight is something else.
The first weeks
- Expect waves. A good morning, then a song in a shop that undoes you.
- Write about yourself, minus the "we". What you like, want and believe on your own. This is the part the breakup study points to.4
- Mute or archive them. For now, not forever. Each look can reopen it a little.
- Hold on to three basics. Eat something, go to bed at a set time, walk once a day.
- Tell one friend what today is like. You don't have to be over it to be with people.
What part of this loss hurts the most today? Write it down. Then write three things that are true about you that have nothing to do with them.
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about heartbreak
How long does heartbreak last?
No study gives a number you can count on, and it varies a great deal. If weeks go by and you still can't work, eat or sleep, talk to a doctor.
What are the stages of heartbreak?
Lists of five or seven stages online borrow from the stages of grief, a popular idea with weak research support. In practice, people go back and forth between missing them, anger and getting on with life.
Can you die of a broken heart?
Broken heart syndrome is real, and it's serious enough that chest pain after a shock needs 911. In the Johns Hopkins series, all 19 hearts recovered within weeks.3