Discouraged
Feeling discouraged means being less willing to keep trying after a setback: a rejection letter, a failed exam, a bad week at the gym. The goal still matters. The energy to go after it has dropped.
- On the wheel: Sad, then disappointed, then discouraged
- Next to it: Defeated, regretful
- Nearby: Apathetic, disappointed
- Often points to: A goal you still want, after a try that didn't work
The booking page that stays open
Discouragement is the pause after the hit. You still want the thing. You just don't feel like walking back toward it, so the running shoes stay by the door and the half-written application stays half-written.
It often comes with a voice: "See? You're not cut out for this."
That voice can sound like honesty. Check it before you believe it.
"I failed my driving test for the second time. My instructor said I can book again next week. I've had the booking page open on my laptop for three days and haven't clicked anything."
The harsh coach loses
Plenty of people think a harsh inner voice will push them to do better. Juliana Breines and Serena Chen's four experiments point the other way.1
Students who failed a hard test and were then guided to be kind and understanding toward themselves studied longer for a second test than students in the comparison groups.1 Across the experiments, self-compassion went with more motivation to improve.1
Being kind to yourself after a setback is not the same as letting yourself off the hook.
In the failed-test experiment, kindness after the failure was what got people back to the desk and studying longer.
Discouraged, defeated or disappointed?
| Feeling | What it's about | Sounds like |
|---|---|---|
| Disappointed | The outcome fell short | "I hoped for more." |
| Defeated | You lost a struggle you were in | "I lost." |
| Discouraged | Your will to try again has dropped | "Why bother trying again?" |
If it feels like a lost fight, read defeated. If you've stopped moving and can't see a way forward, read stuck.
Getting back to the second try
- Write it the way you'd write to a friend. "That was hard, and it doesn't mean you can't do this." That's the move the self-compassion experiments tested.1
- Find one thing to do differently. One change for the next try is plenty.
- Make an if-then plan. "If it's 7 a.m. on Saturday, then I'll book the test." Plans that spell out when, where and how had a medium-to-large effect on reaching goals across 94 tests.2
- Shrink the next try. If the full attempt feels like too much, aim for the first step only: open the page, lace the shoes.
- Check it's still your goal. Sometimes discouragement means the goal needs changing, and changing it is a choice you're allowed to make.
What would make the next try feel worth it? Write one thing you'd do differently, then write it as an if-then plan: "If [time and place], then I will [action]."
Answer this with JoyQuestions people ask about feeling discouraged
Is discouragement a sign I should quit?
Not by itself. Discouragement is the ordinary pause after a setback. The better question is whether you still want the thing once the sting has had a few days to fade.
What is the difference between discouraged and depressed?
Discouragement is tied to a setback and a goal. If the low mood has spread well past the setback and won't lift, that's worth raising with a doctor.
Related
- Defeated: when you feel beaten.
- Disappointment: when an outcome falls short.
- Stuck: when no way forward is visible.